


Deer boundaries

by rawwrrr (ladyYellow)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Domestic, Friendship/Love, Gen, Implied Relationships, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, Lu Han-centric, M/M, Secret Relationship, Slice of Life, Timeline What Timeline, departures - Freeform, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-07-13 16:57:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16022117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyYellow/pseuds/rawwrrr
Summary: There was twelve of them, before there wasn't anymore.Lu Han could never let go of his former band mates, his friends.Even when he is far away, not involved really anymore, working in his own projects.Nobody knows that him, lowkey, iskind ofthe only one holding firmly to that said they had:We are one.





	1. About goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> I don't know exactly how this started, but when I noticed, I already had almost five chapters written.  
> My mind has been giving me a hard time with so many ideas for something to write about EXO. And even when this isn't my first fic (neither in Ao3 nor about EXO), I'm nervous about this.  
> You see. IDK if it's just me, but when I read about the departure of the members, it's always from the point of view from the ones who stayed. And I wondered _'what about the ones who left?'_  
>  Ok~  
> So, _this_ is my answer to my own question.  
>  The interactions between the members, seen by an outsider.  
> I hope you come to like it.

 

 

**“Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to.**

**Though that doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped loving them,**

**or we’ve stopped to care.**

**Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you”**

_Unknown_

 

 


	2. The deer and the galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the first lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the thing.  
> Each chapter is dedicated to one member and his interaction with Lu Han and the other members.  
> This may or may not have a time sequence (it's pretty ambiguous, you'll see).  
> Each one of the chapter has a referenced quote that I thought matched the feeling of the chapter.  
> Enjoy your reading.

_'Cause you're a sky full of stars I'm gonna give you my heart_  
_'Cause you're a sky full of stars_  
_'Cause you light up the path_  
_I don't care, go on and tear me apart_  
_I don't care if you do_ _  
_ _'Cause in a sky full of stars I think I saw you_

**_A sky full of stars - COLDPLAY_ **

* * *

 

To say that Lu Han was surprised to know that Yifan was leaving EXO wasn't accurate. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure of the fact, but giving how drained Kris had been looking, it was kind of implied he would give up at some point. The question then was _when?_ Han really didn’t expected it to last this long, to be truthful.

Kris looked devastated that day, he was constantly avoiding their look. Han could tell he was on the verge of crying. Tao did cry. After all, Tao was really attached to Yifan. Saying what he said was a way to show how shocked he was. It was obvious that it broke something inside Yifan, but the elder didn’t say anything, he just avoided looking at the panda. Jongdae did cry too, he was his roommate, his companion in those dark nights when everyone was tired and sore, when he was missing Korea.

They had to watch him depart silently, except for the sobbing of the youngers. Yixing hesitated if he should hug him or not. Minseok patted on his shoulder. Han gave him a poor attempt of a smile.

Han never thought everything was going to be the same, he accepted it as impossible. They lost their leader, and even when they still had all of the others members, it left a scar in EXO-M. They had to go and pretend as if Yifan has never existed, as if he was never a part of the band in the first place. The emptiness he left was something hard to fill (in their choreographies and in their songs too).

Han had never been a good actor, he didn’t even know if he’s good at lying.  _How hard must had it been for Junmyeon?_

He was always wondering how the EXO-K leader was dealing with all that stress. Yeah, sure. He wasn’t spending as much time with Yifan as the EXO-M members, but it was a little bit more complicated than that. You see, all those actual times when they said they were _mom_ and _dad?_ Those times were hints of their true relationship. Of course no one would openly admit their leaders were a thing. Junmyeon must had been tearing apart.

“Hey, hyung. How’s everything?” Han had never been good dealing with feelings, but he knew he should try. Junmyeon looked tired.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that? I know you miss him, Myeonnie” Junmyeon hummed but he didn’t say anything “It’s hard for all of us, but it must be harder for you. I wonder if...”

“Don’t get yourself problems because of me, hyung”

“He’s my friend too-”

“Hyung- if you happen to be able to... do something, just-”

It turned out something could be done indeed.  _Who would say Yixing has an almost photographic memory for some things?_ Who cares if SM asked them to erase Kris’ number if Yixing has memorised it? Han has been wondering for almost a week if calling Yifan was the right thing to do.

Did Kris want to keep in contact with them? Or was he just trying to forget everything? Well, there was just one way to find out.

 

 _“Gege?”_ Lu Han feels relieved when he hears Yifan’s deep voice.

“Oh fuck, you actually picked up...” Han’s phone almost slips from his hands. He laughs nervously and Yifan laughs too.

 _“I thought you have forgotten about me”_ he can practically hear the tears sliding down the younger’s cheeks.

“We are not really allowed to talk to you, you know that?” Yifan sighs.

_“Yeah. I- I know. It’s- it is breaking me, ge. I never thought they were going to actually forbid you to talk to me, especially Junmyeon. I’m not sure if I’m ready to speak with everyone-”_

“It’s fine. I think I know how are you feeling...”

_“It is awful, isn’t it?”_

“Indeed” Han sighs. He would like to tell Kris so many things. How Chen looks so lost without his roommate, how Tao is hurt because his stupid mouth hurt Yifan and now he can’t apologise, how Chanyeol and Baekhyun are sad because they are still not used to the empty space. _We were meant to be together forever, the twelve of us._ How Suho is broken. Speaking of. Han grabs the folded paper Junmyeon gave him and reads it to him “A hundred million stars. More stars than I’ve ever seen before. My eyes let me see farther, but they don’t show me the one thing I want to see” **[1]** Han can almost picture Yifan blinking.

 _“I would trade all the stars in the universe if I could just have him back again”_ **[1]** Yifan whispers, almost like a prayer.

“Did you know it already?” Han sounds a bit surprised, but not too much.

 _“Yes. I- It was kind of something between us”_ Yifan doesn’t say anything else, but it's fine. Han is processing the verse, as if it has a hidden meaning. Perhaps it does. _“Did he say anything else?”_

“Nope” Yifan sighs, suddenly sad “Hey, he just looks like he misses you a lot” that brings some sort of feeling to the taller guy, but Han can't exactly tell what it is.

_“I know”_

“You should talk to him”

 _“I know... just not yet”_ Han nods silently.

After a while, he adds “Keep in touch, will you?” this time, it’s Yifan who nods.

_“I will- Thanks” For calling? For telling me?_

“Maybe next time, I’d put you on speaker so everyone can-”

 _“Don’t. I’m still mad at Tao"_ Han feels a flinch of pain. He refrains from saying ‘he wants to apologise to you, but you don’t let him’ _“I think it’s better this way, Han-ge. I don’t want them to stop for me, to feel bad for me”_  well, too late for that, Han thinks.

“Fine, just- Keep in mind what I said, alright?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[1]** Beth Revis, Shades of Earth


	3. The deer itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be a story from an outsider's POV, first Lu Han has to become an **outsider.**

_I know how it looked, it wasn't the plan_  
_And someday I hope that you'll understand_  
_I sympathize, and I recognize_  
_And baby, I apologize_  
_That I got the good side, the good side of things_

**_The good side - TROYE SIVAN_ **

* * *

 

As expected, the next one who left was Lu Han himself. The fights with the managers became unbearable (as the ones Yifan had in his moment). He looked exhausted and always so out of himself, so much that the other members of EXO-M started to notice it. It may have been because of their previous experience with their former leader, or that Yifan left not even a year ago. Han was conscious of that.

A month or so before he decided to quit, he was resting over Minseok’s lap. Han could recognise the expression behind the eldest smile. It was the same look he had when he knew Yifan was going to depart soon. _Acceptance._ He knew Minseok was just waiting for him to do the same, and that hurt him. Because for Han, leaving his beloved Xiumin-hyung behind, was going to hurt him even more than having to stay and endure more of this shitty lifestyle.

Nothing could be done anyway, unless he wanted that some member of EXO or the staff found him passed out in a random backstage.

“Lu?” the silence in the practice room was more noticeable now that Tao wasn’t squeaking because he was arguing with Yifan. He sighed when he looked at Minseok “You know. I always wanted to tell you how much you remind me of a deer-”

“Uh?” Han was only half listening Minseok, lost in everything he knew he was going to miss. _What would it feel like to leave behind everything?_ The lovely panda, the dancing troll, the oblivious unicorn and his beautiful baozi? Because even when he chatted with the galaxy from time to time, he knows he was already an universe ahead “What bringing this though, hyung?”

“The more I see of deer, the more I admire them. They make their way into the heart of the roughest solitudes with smooth reserve of strength, through dense belts of brush and forest encumbered with fallen trees and boulder piles, across canons, roaring streams, and snow-fields, ever showing forth beauty and courage"  **[2]**

“Whoa, hyung~” Han stood up “That was really deep” Minseok kept staring at the chinese boy before he smiled gloomily.

“It’s part of a quote I read somewhere, Lulu” Han decided not to say anything “It might not be important now, but would you remember that?”

 

A couple of months after he left, Lu Han still remembers that conversation with Minseok. Not because it was the last one, because even when they’re not together, as in ‘sharing the same room’, they’re still _together,_ as in a _boyfriendlish_ manner, so they still talk frequently, and Han asks Minseok how everything is going over there. He remembers it because it was Minseok’s way to tell him it was fine to leave everything behind. Being alone didn’t mean he was going to be lonely. Being by himself didn’t mean he was going to achieve less than any of them.

Minseok is understanding. This wasn’t the right place for Han. He fought, all he could, but it reached the point where Han was getting actual health problems because of that. Minseok felt hurt when Han left, but at the same time he felt relieved. Who cares if they have to wait until they’re forty to run away to any heavenly destiny to live there for the rest of their life? That’s the kind of commitment between the two of them.

_“You aren’t actually planning to forget about us... right?”_

“Hyung. I told you. I didn't left because of you, neither Fanfan. It’s just- People handles departures at different ways. For me, I just can’t stand the idea of losing your friendship, or losing you. The thought of it actually hurts” Han pauses, trying to find the right words to explain Yifan’s feelings “But for Fanfan, the reminder of what he left behind it’s just too much. You hadn’t heard him cry hyung, but it’s awful-”

_“I know, I was just making sure-”_

“You know we miss you, and we care for you, right?” Minseok hums, not really convinced “Fanfan always asks how are you doing, he even asks about Tao. We love all of you”

_“Lulu-”_

“And more than anything, I love you Xiumin-hyung” Han can’t see him, but he knows his hyung is blushing.

_“I love you too”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[2]** John Muir


	4. The deer and the panda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter about the last member who officially left.

_Can we fast-forward to go down on me?_  
_Stop there and let me correct it_  
_I wanna live a life from a new perspective_  
_You come along because I love your face, and I’ll admire your expensive taste_  
_And who cares divine intervention?_  
_I wanna be praised from a new perspective_  
_But leaving now would be a good idea_  
_So catch me up, I'm getting out of here_

**_New perspective - PANIC AT THE DISCO_**

* * *

 

As it was, Lu Han wasn't that affected when he knew Tao was leaving EXO too. It was ironic, after all that he said, and the times he swore he was never going to leave too. Then the heartless way SM treated all the EXO-M members paid its toll to their baby panda, in the exact same way it did for the deer and the galaxy.

What Han didn't expect was that it wasn't Tao who told him that. It was Sehun.

The younger called severely upset, his words almost unintelligible. Han couldn’t understand a single thing because of the broken Korean the maknae had because of his state.

“Hunnie?” he tried “Hun-” the younger was still mumbling something about baby pandas from China and their mean parents taking them away from their friends. _Pandas?_ “Sehun! I don’t know what's happening because I don't understand anything you’re saying!” Sehun stopped talking “Alright, now breathe slowly~” Han listened how his breathing grew steadier and deeper, slower. “That’s more like it”

_“Hyung-”_

“Shhh, Hunnie. What’s going on there for you to be this upset?” Han was whispering, not wanting to draw the attention to him at the coffee shop. Right then, he was running away from his later responsibilities. He had some time to talk though, before that interview a couple of hours away. “You can tell hyung anything, I will solve it for you-”

 _“There’s no way to solve this now, hyung”_ Han frowned.

“What are you talking about, Hunnie? What’s going on?” Sehun turned on the speaker. Just then, Han realised Sehun wasn’t alone. It seemed like he was in a room full of people (the rest of EXO members, he presumed) and they were in silence, except for two voices which seemed to be Jongdae’s and Tao’s.

 _“-gotta have a head like a wrecking ball, Taozi. A spirit like one of them, punching clown dummies that always weeble-wobbles back up to standing" **[3]**  Han could picture it. Tao was probably over Jongdae’s lap, holding him like his lifesaver. Everyone must had been gathered around them, then. And Sehun must had been in one of the corners, talking to him “This takes time, my baby peach. Stick with it, would you? Quitting is for sad pandas"_  **[3]**  then a string of _I don’t want to leave you hyung, don’t make me go with him, I don’t want to go back to China._ Han understood because he was fluent in Korean and Mandarin, but he wasn’t quite sure that Zitao’s boyfriend could pick the full meaning of the words. _“I don’t want you to go either, peach. But it’s for the best-”_ another heartbreaking sob.

Zitao was leaving too, then. The speaker was turned off.

“Hun?”

 _“I feel bad for Jongdae-hyung. He looks more broken than any of us. I mean- He lost his roommate, then one of his best-friends and now his boyfriend too. Was being in EXO-M really that awful, hyung?”_ Han didn’t really know what to say. _“Lu Han-hyung, you have to promise me you’ll take care of Tao when he gets back to China”_

“Hunnie, I’ll make sure to check on him-”

 _“That’s all I ask...”_ Sehun sighed _“Gotta go, hyung. I’m so sorry for this. You probably have more important stuff to do than hearing whining maknaes, don’t you?”_

“You know I’ll always make time for you, Hun”

 

With everything Lu Han now has to do, there’s really not too much time to worry about anything else.

He knows, because Jongdae himself told him, that Tao isn’t in contact with a lot of them. _So he’s like Fanfan, then._ The few lucky ones are Jongdae, Yixing, Suho, Sehun and Han himself. Jongdae likes to have privacy with their conversations, as well as Zitao, so Han doesn’t really know what the two of them talk about.

From time to time, he remembers he promised Sehun he would check on Tao. Chen always tells him not to worry about it, but he casually confessed how Tao would always be cheerful whenever Han posts something on his weibo profile. Han would dismiss it, saying it’s something he likes to do. But still, he keeps that in mind, saving it for important occasions, when he knows Tao will need some extra support and love.

**180131 Luhan Weibo Update: [Reposted Tao’s new MV “Beggar”]**

**The ultimate most handsome man has released a new song, @CPOPKing-HuangZitao are you satisfied now!**

Usually all they talk about is related to work, because it is a comfortable topic. Neither Han nor Tao know how to handle any other conversation. Tao is too shy to ask Han how is everything going with Minseok, and Han thinks he will sound too nosy asking him about Jongdae.

**180131 Tao’s Reply to Luhan’s Post:**

**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I’m very satisfied Even though I’m very handsome but I think among many people in this universe, I’m willing to be number 2 Gege, I love you**

Again, he’s not blaming Jongdae for not being open with their relationship. In that matter, they’re all alike.

SM was blatantly specific with all of them. _Work is work._ They don’t care what they do with their lives, as long as it doesn’t gets in the way of the company. They want to have a relationship? _Fine._ An homosexual one? _Cool._ With EXO former members? _No problem._ Just be discret, keep it private. _Thanks._

And about Yifan...

_“Gege~ Do you really think Fan-ge is going to forgive me someday?”_

**LuHan_M [23:15]** Are you ever going to speak to Zitao?

 **FanGalaxy [23:18]** IDK  
**FanGalaxy [23:18]** Should I?

 **LuHan_M [23:22]** Should I give him your phone number, then?  
**LuHan_M [23:22]** (¬‿¬)

 **FanGalaxy [23:30]** Ծ_Ծ  
**FanGalaxy [23:30]** Absolutely no!

“Maybe, who knows? You already know how he is, Tao. Just give him time”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[3]** Chuck Wendig, 250 Things You Should Know About Writing


	5. The deer and the unicorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one about who is but at the same time isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should clarify the style I'm using for the following chapters.  
> Well, in my head it looked pretty cool to describe the interaction/boundary with the one the chapter is about through the interaction with another member. After all, Lu Han's far away, and even when he talks to all of them, he usually finds out something is happening when someone spills about the others.  
> Confusing? _God, yes._ And I'm sorry for that.  
>  I just really hope this is working the way I think it is.
> 
> Thanks for your patience, and enjoy the reading.

_Why can't I be more conventional?_  
_People talk, people stare, so I try_  
_But that can't be 'cause I can't see_  
_My strange little world_ _  
Just go passing me by_

**_Why try to change me now? - FIONA APPLE_ **

* * *

 

Who can say if it was some kind of cosmic coincidence? Everyone used to say then whenever Lay and Lu Han were together, the hell was likely to happen. They both thought they were given more credit than they had. What actually happened is that Han laughed at whatever Yixing said, and suddenly they both couldn't stop. Yixing was way too angelic in his manners, but Han knew better. The younger had the devil inside him, more or less like himself. Minseok used to tell them “Your devil looks are scaring Tao, calm down just a bit”

Whoever met Lay, would thought the boy was really high, always talking about unicorns and superpowers as if they were real. More than once, they had to politely remind him they couldn't do whatever superpower they were said they had, though it would be nice and useful sometimes.

When EXO-M disappeared and the three remaining members had to be paired with EXO-K, the name of the band changed to plainly EXO. Han wasn’t there to experience it himself, but for the photos, he could tell how broken were his former bandmates.

The band name wasn't the only thing that changed, Han could tell. The meanings of the songs they were writing were now deeper. Yup, _Moonlight_ and _Baby don't cry_ were some sad shit back then. Then, when Kris and him left, was _Playboy,_ that stuff must be M-rated or something. But _Sing for you? Promise?_ Those were heavy words. Han hadn’t had time for talking with Tao and Kris more than a few minutes during those times, but he could tell by the way Yifan avoided the topic and Zitao was hiccuping already, that it affected them the way it did with him.

Anyway, one must think that with all what happened with the other three Chinese members, Yixing would leave in peace any crazy dream of producing or composing songs while he was in EXO. Han must had known better. The unicorn was thickheaded as a mule.

He was proved right when he found Yixing in a charity event in China, when he was supposed to be recording the new album with EXO. Han found it intriguing, but he didn’t ask Yixing the reason why. Instead, he decided to enjoy the few minutes of company of his friend. It was enough time to remember the old times, when he was talking about whatever and Yixing would look confused and would laugh because he didn’t understand a single thing, as if they weren’t speaking the same language.

It wasn’t the same though, just the two of them isn’t as funny as it used to be. He missed Minseok’s annoyed pout or Zitao’s girly laugh behind them. Han was happy, though. He wasn’t expecting to find him there, but the encounter was welcome. They could catch up about the others, and even when it wasn’t as thorough as it could have been if they had been alone, it was somewhat relieving to know Yixing would speak to the others soon, to let them know anything Han told him.

 

 _“...and I saw him, gege”_ Han hums absentmindedly “At first I thought he was there with the rest of EXO, for a promotion or something, but he wasn't! He was there alone, not even Sehun was with him. Is he still part of the band?”

“I think so. Why are you asking, baby panda?”

_“I have seen him here alone a lot, gege. I thought he would be in Korea, with the promotions of EXO’s new album and that all”_

“Maybe he is working here?” Tao hums in agreement, before he talks again.

_ “I think that’s it, gege. But there’s something weird, you know? Yixing always had that glint of happiness in his eyes, always smiling, showing his cute dimple... He never looked bothered, but he looked somewhat lost-” _

“Doesn’t he always look lost? Maybe he misses Sehun” _I haven't talk to Hun in a while, though_ Han mumbles to himself “I don't know-”

 _“Well, I mean- Do all of us look like him, gege? Happy, excited, successful... but still apathetic, terrified, empty... I mean, what is the real cost of following our own dreams?"_ Han sighs as he thinks of it.

“I don't think we look like that, Tao. Yes, we have our own ghosts who haunt us at night. We may feel dazed by our decisions, sometimes we wonder if we did right, but we deal with it the best we can. You know how XingXing is. He had always been especial-”

 _“When I spoke to him in the gala, he was talking about a unicorn he saw when he visited Jeju with Sehun-ah...”_ Tao sighs, as if he suddenly remembered something embarrassing. _How his friend ended up having a relationship with his oblivious gege?_

“Maybe that's the answer, Taozi” Han looks at the repetition of the gala in his laptop. He pays careful attention to Yixing, looking for some sort of hint, but it is as Tao said. Delighted so out of his mind, excitement showing in his every movement, but emptiness in his eyes. He looks so out of his element, which is weird since he's at home, he knows how everything works here.

_“What do you mean, gege?”_

“The people that see them, unicorns, share some of their traits- They’re lonely... with virtuous hearts” **[4]**

 _“Perhaps... I don't want to see them then, gege”_ Han laughs sadly.

“I don't think we can see them, Taozi” Tao mumbles about how Sehun may be able to see them “Maybe, Tao. Don't worry about that. Have you talked to him recently?” is it forbidden to talk about Sehun? It mustn't because Tao answers calmly.

 _“He sounded sad. He would like to be promoting by Xing-ge’s side. I know that feeling, gege. I didn't know what to tell him to make him feel better. I miss promoting by Chen’s side, too”_ Han hums. He misses his baozi. _“Anyway, gege. I gotta go now. I really hope you can see Yixing-ge soon again. It looks like he'll be for a while in China”_

“Then sure I'll see him. Let’s talk later, Taozi”

_“Wǒ ài nǐ, gege”_

“Wǒ ài nǐ, xiǎo xióngmāo"   **[5]** Han hangs up the phone. Yixing’s sad smile is playing on the screen again.

 **LuHan_M [21:08]** Taozi told me he saw you today

 **XingtheSheep [21:15]** •_•

 **LuHan_M [21:17]** He said you looked great, btw

 **XingtheSheep [22:00]** How sweet of him  
**XingtheSheep [22:01]** He looked gorgeous! ♥  
**XingtheSheep [22:01]** You must tell him I told you that  
**XingtheSheep [22:01]** ( ﾟヮﾟ)

 **LuHan_M [22:06]** I will  
**LuHan_M [22:06]** ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡  
**LuHan_M [22:12]** How long are you staying in China?

 **XingtheSheep [22:18]** Not sure  
**XingtheSheep [22:20]** It’s nice to be home  
**XingtheSheep [22:20]** I miss Hunnie, though

 **LuHan_M [22:30]** I miss him too

 **XingtheSheep [23:00]** (◕︵◕)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[4]** Ally McBeal  
>  **[5]** "I love you, baby panda"


	6. The deer and the cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the loved one the deer left behind.

_Just 'cause I don't make a thing about it_  
_Don't mean that I never think about it 'cause I do_  
_Just 'cause I learned how to live without you_  
_Don't mean that I ever really wanted to_  
_I miss you_  
_Even when I'm not trying to, I keep doing the things we do_ _  
Are you missing me too? Like I miss you?_

**_I miss you - GREY_**

* * *

 

When Lu Han was still in the band, he enjoyed being with Xiumin. Anyone could tell, the chinese boy was practically glowing everytime they were together, and he was particularly hiding it.

It was true that most of the time, Han would have to be attached to Chen, given that they were the main vocalists so they had similar schedules. So, he was (still is) kind of fond of the younger. That fact didn’t change that everyone including Chen,  _especially Chen,_ could see how Han poured his heart and soul into everything he did for and with Minseok.

And because Jongdae was aware of that, he would always be a little brat. It would go as far as Jongdae trying to push the two of them in that concert to make them kiss _in front of every single fan in the stadium._ Han thought it was amusing, but to say that Minseok was shocked was quite an understatement. After that, Minseok wouldn’t talk to Jongdae.

Han was thinking on making his baozi happy again. Then he got distracted when he heard Jongdae talking to Chanyeol.

“I don’t know why would you do that, Dae” Han was interested in that conversation, he wanted to know the reason too.

“It was just a simple experiment Yeollie, you know. For science~”

“What 'science' can have our hyungs kissing?” Jongdae had the guts to laugh, loudly, to Han’s annoyance.

“Lu Han-hyung and Tao are always saying how Xiumin-hyung resembles a little baozi, you know? Fluffy, warm and that all. But they don’t believe me when I tell them how he is more like a cat. The next logical step was to prove it”

“I still don’t get it-” Jongdae growled, but explained patiently to Chanyeol his reasoning.

“You see, Yeollie. Cats have it all. Admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it” **[6]** so that was the first time everyone could relate Minseok with a cat. After that concert, the elder was staring at them with a feline expression, that no one could tell if it was angry, sadistic or simply bored. _Much like a cat._

 

Han doesn’t remember how he managed to convince Minseok to talk to Jongdae again. The only memory he has from that day is that he agreed with the younger at the end. Minseok is a cat. He hasn’t bring the topic back, ever again, though he is sure that Minseok is aware of the way everyone thinks of him.

 _“So... I’m still wondering, gege”_ if Han wasn’t suspicious of Jongdae calling him with no apparent reason, now he is because the younger never calls him _gege,_ he just goes by _hyung_ _“I been wondering if you top-”_ if Han knows Jongdae well, and he does, he would guess he’s wiggling his eyebrows.

“Excuse me?!” no one can say Han wasn’t expecting that kind of question, to be honest. His former bandmates always have loved gossip. “I could ask you the same about Zitao, you know?” Jongdae dares to laugh openly, earning himself a scolding from Baekhyun. _Care to be more quiet?_

 _“Oh, gege”_ there he is, again _“But that’s no fun! You already know Taozi tops~”_ Han growls. _This disrespectful brat._ But he’s right, Han just wishes he didn't have that mental picture so fresh in his mind, even when it has been _years_ since that day _“Ok hyung, but really...”_ Jongdae drops his usual sassiness and sounds more serious now.

“What is it, Chen?” Han hears Jongdae leaving the room “Are we being secretive now?”

_“Hyung just got in the room. I don't want him to listen-”_

“I’m sure he doesn’t care you’re talking with me-”

_“You don’t live with him, hyung. He would ask me to hand him my phone and-”_

“He’s not like that!” Jongdae sighs.

_“Ah! You fu- freaking Chinese guys just have your head full of-”_

“Whoa! Jongdae, what kind of talking is that?! I'm your elder, show me some _respect”_ Han doesn’t know how they went from talking about who tops who, to Jongdae suddenly charging against Chinese people “Do you want me to remember that your own _boyfriend_ is Chinese?”

 _“That's why I said it in the first place”_ Han sighs this time _“Look, hyung. I don't want to talk about whatever arguing Tao and I have sometimes, that’s not what I called for. My point here is- Don't you know how Minseok-hyung has been dealing with your departure?”_

“I don't know what are you talking about? Everytime I talk to him I ask him how he's doing, and every single time he says he's doing just great. He sounds alright, Chen-”

_“He's lying, hyung”_

“Jongdae. I think I actually know my boyfriend better than you-”

_“If you’re saying that, obviously you don’t”_

“Watch your mouth, brat” is not easy for Han to lose his patient, but Jongdae is driving him dangerously close to the edge.

 _“Hyung, Minseok-hyung is a cat, I believed we had already cleared that. He won't admit how much this affects him. But Baek and I are promoting with him, we know how much pain he’s in”_ Han sighs, thinking about Minseok. He always looks like he has his shit together, when everything inside his head is making him dizzy and confused. _“He may not say it hyung, but he misses you. Or he does say it, but you just don’t realise the implication of his words”_

“I thought he encouraged me to do whatever was better for me...” Han mumbles.

 _“Don’t be selfish, hyung. It affected him when you left, even when he was already used to the idea of losing you. He supported you because what else could have he done, anyway”_ Han doesn’t like where the conversation is going, so he tries to change it subtly.

“What is he doing right now, Chennie?”

 _“Sure you want to know that?”_ Does Han want to know? Probably not, but he still hums as a sign for the younger to continue _“The same as always, hyung”_ Han feels his heart skipping a beat. ‘The same as always’ means he’s changing into comfortable clothes (one of the old hoodies Han left behind) and he’s about to drink some white tea as he reads _Hóng lóu mèng_ **[7],** a book Han personally enjoys and he used to read to Minseok (more like translating it into Korean for him).

“He isn’t that good at Mandarin, Chen-” maybe Jongdae is lying? _Don’t lie to me._

 _“It doesn’t matter”_ Jongdae doubts for a bit _“Listen, hyung. You didn’t hear this from me, alright? He says it doesn’t matter he doesn’t understand half of it, he just reads it because it reminds him of you. Even if I wanted to, I can't to read it for him because I’m no better-”_ is that a hint of a lie in Jongdae’s voice?

“What's this all about? Are you calling me to make me feel sad, _Zhongda?”_

 _“I’m calling you because I’ve been worried for hyung-”_ Han sighs then, overwhelmed.

“I’ll talk to him soon, alright?”

 _“Alright, alright”_ a pause. Then Jongdae remembers something _“Ah~ Hyung?”_

“Mhh?”

 _“How is Kris-hyung doing?”_ Han remains silent at the other side of the line _“I just want to know if he’s alright. Suho-hyung won’t tell us anything-”_ Han lets slip how Jongdae still talks to him about the others with his stage names, and then he tries not to burst into laugh. _If Myeon didn’t say anything, what makes you think_ _I will say something then?_ But he bites his tongue before hurting Jongdae further. _It is painful already as it is._

“Curiosity killed the cat, Chennie~” Jongdae mumbles _I know_ “He’s great. I think they’re fine. Fan and Myeonnie I mean. _Dad_ usually doesn’t mention that much about _mom”_ Jongdae hums pleased, Han knew it would make him good to hear something he’s familiar with “I know he’s working on some solo project in America-” _telling him this won’t hurt anyone, right?_

 _“Ah, it’s great to hear that~ If he doesn’t mind, please tell him I said hi”_ Han hums _“I should go now, before Baek eats all the popcorns” Han laughs this time “Don’t forget what I said, please hyung?”_

“I won’t, thanks for telling me, Chennie” _and not hating me because I left._

 _“That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”_ Jongdae isn’t fond of goodbyes after last year. Lu Han absolutely understands him, he doesn’t enjoy goodbyes either. Yet, it still surprises him that Jongdae hangs up without saying anything else though, leaving Han alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[6]** Rod McKuen  
>  **[7]** _Dream of the red chamber_ by Cao Xueqin


	7. The deer and the dinosaur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the other main vocalist in EXO-M.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> This has been my fav chapter so far (it may also be because TaoChen it's my OTP lately).  
> Also~ the word Chen's asking how to pronounce is actually in **Going Crazy**.  
>  Enjoy your reading.

_There's no pictures_  
_Only the memory keeps what is left_  
_Someone tried too hard_  
_To forcefully take control over their own fear_  
_Don't you lose her out of sight_  
_Your broken voice_  
_Tell her, that it's her and with her_  
_You won't lose a single moment_

_**Dlaczego Drzewa Nic Nie Mówią?** **[8] - MELA KOTELUK**_

* * *

 

Lu Han always wondered where the ‘beagle line’ got all his energy from. When the three of them were together, it was almost impossible to stop them. Gathering together with EXO-K would always brought whining from Jongdae, laughs from Chanyeol and a lot of funny noises from Baekhyun. Kris wasn’t particularly fond of that amount of energy ('not his style' he said), always complaining how the three of them wouldn’t shut up when they were asked to. Even though, he would had a playful smile when he watched Jongdae enjoying the company of his Korean bandmates.

Han used to smile at this too. Jongdae still struggled with Mandarin after God knows how many hours studying and endless practice time. It was never enough for SM. No matter how the younger was always trying to understand the conversations between all the Chinese members, always asking Han if his pronunciation was right, always pointing at the things he didn’t know how to say in Mandarin to learn new words, always practicing his speaking with Zitao when he wasn't busy helping Minseok.

At some extent, it was rather hilarious to watch EXO-M’s maknaes interacting. Han never really understood how the romance between them was even possible. Right in the beginning, they could barely understand a whole sentence without struggling for the right word to express themselves. It took them actually _months_ to communicate properly without a translator between them (read: Yifan or Han himself). It wasn’t the same for Han, though. He could have a decent conversation in Korean, so even when Minseok struggled with Mandarin too, they could easily talk about anything.

Hence, the smiling. The Chinese members were so happy to watch Jongdae relaxing himself enough to interact with the others, being able to actually speak like he wanted to. To yell, to scream, to laugh as much as he wanted to, to actually understand a whole conversation, to laugh truthfully because of some joke. It was kind of heartbreaking.

 

Back at that time, Han didn’t interacted that much with Baekhyun. The boy was always being a brat, cheerful, shameless and loud. Always dragging the maknaes with him to do crazy stuff. Like that time Baek and D.O took an sleepy Tao to interview him outside a house in the middle of the winter. Well...

Han doesn't know what's gotten into them lately that they actually have long conversations on the phone. Baekhyun isn't a bad person and Han really enjoys talking to the younger, especially when he fills the silence in his head with his rambling about anything and his odd antics. Han got used to the noise back at the dorm, and now the silence makes him unease. He craved for it back then, now he doesn't like it anymore.

_“...and even when we don't have any single Chinese member, we still have to sing in Mandarin, hyung! Do you know how hard it is?!”_

“I can only imagine, Baek-” he actually wonders why SM still makes them record in Mandarin when there isn't EXO-M anymore, and the only member who’s actually Chinese isn't recording with them, busy in his own projects. _Perhaps like a reminiscence of the old times?_ Han thinks it's cruel, anyway. Hurting Minseok, Junmyeon, Jongdae and Sehun on the process.

 _“No, you're not even close to what this hell is like, hyung. I mean- We're always messing up the pronunciations. Dae-ah and Min-hyung are good enough to get their parts right, but they can't help us”_ Han can relate, they weren't that good when he left, how much more improvement could they have?

“Oh poor baby~ It sounds awful” he chuckles and Baekhyun whines loudly.

 _“Chanyeol-ah thought it was a good idea to call someone to help us. He wanted hyung to call Yifan, and ask him how he's doing”_ Han chuckles _“Don't laugh, hyung! Haven't you listened to me? Suho-hyung yelled at us for almost half an hour about how everyone should stop assuming he talks to him and where was he going to get his number anyway”_ Han knows this it's all because of FanFan's request.

“But why were you trying to contact him in the first place? You can always call me-”

 _“Minseok-hyung told us not to, since it was late and you had been really busy lately, so you needed to rest. At the end, Dae called Tao for us, who happened to be in the middle of a photo shooting, but he didn't mind helping his gege. I didn't know Taozi called Jongdae like that, I always heard him calling him 'hyung’. Did you know it, hyung?”_ Han blinks. _“...I guess it's something between them, because Tao didn't know he was on speaker”_

“I had no idea. To be honest, I didn't give much of a thought about what language they would talk in-”

_“I’d give anything to watch them together, hyung!”_

“You're just being nosy, Baek. Let them be~”

 _“No hyung, I mean it. Aren't you curious?”_ Han thinks of it, _maybe just a bit?_ No, nope. _Being curious about these two always brings him awkward mental pictures, so no. Thanks._ He shakes his head, but Baekhyun doesn't let him answer _"They switched from Korean to Mandarin in no time hyung, I was only able to get just a bit of their conversation, because whenever Tao said ‘mwo?’, Jongdae said the word in Mandarin instead and they kept talking in Mandarin until it was Jongdae who said ‘shénme?’ and they switched into Korean again! It was fucking crazy!”_

“Whoa, Baek. Slow the fuck down- So Jongdae can actually have a whole conversation in Mandarin?” Baek says something like 'I think so’. _That brat_ “He always asks me to speak in Korean with him~!” Han whines in an unmanly way, and the people at the airport looks at him weirdly. He doesn't care “I'm speaking in Mandarin next time, it's final-”

_“Wait, hyung! That's not the end of the story!”_

“Isn’t it?”

_“Uh-huh. Sometime around the end of their call, Sehun came back to the dancing studio with flowers, smiling goofily-”_

“Flowers?” now, that intrigues Han.

_“Yeah, a huge bouquet, hyung. It seems Yixing arranged the delivery to surprise his boyfriend, as an apologise for not being able to record with him. Sehun was excited, but, as you may imagine-”_

“Oh my God! Myeonnie-”

 _“Don't forget about Dae, hyung! Suddenly they were both whining, at the verge of crying. Suho-hyung was crying why he wasn't receiving a shipment of flowers from Canada-”_ Han chokes with his own spit, and starts to cough. Whoa, he must be so out of his mind to let slip something like that _“And Jongdae changed from asking how to pronounce cháoxiàozhe to whine I want flowers too, Taozi. No- I don't want to text... What does that make me, mhh? What kind of dinosaur am I?”_ **[9]**  there's a pause.

“Are they alright now?” Han is genuinely worried about them. _Should I arrange some flowers delivery for Xiumin-hyung, too?_

 _“Well, it took us ages to calm Suho-hyung down. I can't really tell what Tao told Jongdae-ah because they were speaking Mandarin, but it must had been something really deep to make Jongdae all teary-”_ Han doesn't know if he should scold Zitao _“and smiling”_ or feel proud.

“Something cheesy, probably. Knowing Zitao, it wouldn't surprise me”

 _“Perhaps”_ he can hear the background noise, Baekhyun must be outside the dorm right now, and it's probably pouring because Han can hear some thunders here and there _“When he hung up, he wiped his tears away and said 'cháoxiàozhe' with a perfect pronunciation”_

“It is ridiculous, indeed” Baek remains silent. He must not know that's the meaning of the word, then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Mwo?_ \- What? (Korean)  
>  _Shénme?_ \- What? (Chinese)
> 
>  **[8]** Why don’t trees talk?  
>  **[9]** Jennifer Garner


	8. Hints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bridge between EXO-M and EXO-K.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been listening to these.  
> The more I read the lyrics, the more I convince myself that they’re rather suspicious. _Am I paranoid?_ Maybe. Maybe not. I just want to believe they are making you read between lines, if you know what you’re looking for, that’s it.

* * *

 

Maybe you’re still sad, maybe you’re still bleeding  
Then I learnt to be still,  
learnt not to complain about regret  
The apology keeps repeating  
I kept the memories for all the time  
which I’m afraid to lose once I open my eyes  
Please don’t expose my hidden fragility  
Just want you to remember those moments  
I’m lost and wandering,  
worth to do it if I had you

**The moment - LU HAN**

****

I just want you to be happy  
Even if I am not the one  
Don't be sad and worry about me  
I can wait for you  
From now on, my heart does not miss a beat  
since you are already in my heart  
From now on, please don't cry for me  
I don't really feel sad when letting you go

**From now on - WU YIFAN**

 

My heart is always concerned about you,  
no matter how far away (it is), I want to go there.  
I really want to return to that day where I met you once again.  
But I am only able to see the preserved memories [...]  
In fact, all of the things we went through  
are fading away like bubbles,  
don’t you know?  
Even if it all turns into bubbles,  
I will continue to love you.  
This song only exists because of you,  
I know that you are definitely listening to it.

**Reluctantly - Z.TAO**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm not the only one thinking it, right?_


	9. The deer and the dancer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the best dancer ever (in words of Lu Han).

_Shall we ballet_  
_As if we’re gliding on the water_  
_A little bit more_  
_Pointed toe_  
_Rainy saturday_  
_Until this rain stops_  
_Take me dancing_  
_Over and over again_

**_Dancing in the rain - RAD MUSEUM_ **

* * *

 

Lu Han was confused when a boy taller than him, with a soft hint of cigarette smell on his clothes came right in the dancing studio to take a sit by Sehun’s side one time. He was somewhat clumsy, his long limbs didn’t look graceful at all. He was more enraptured by how a boy, that was presumably younger than him who was barely twenty at that time (and probably younger than Sehun), was into that destructive vice.

It turned out that despite his look, he was older than Sehun (just a bit), and he was absolutely amazing at dancing. Han didn’t remember watching someone dancing so gracefully. He could barely remember when Yixing told them he was one of the lead dancers.

At the end, who would be able to tell that Jongin, Sehun and Yixing were going to be the main dancers in Han’s group? It certainly wasn’t what Han was expecting (to be truth, he wasn’t expecting anything at all). He found himself rather pleased for that fact, though.

Sehun was really a great dancer, and God knew Han tried to get to his level, when it was nearly impossible. Han was more of the _powerful_ dancer kind, instead of the _gracious_ kind, if that made any sense to anyone. One just had to remember when he tried to learn Wushu with Zitao. Han indeed had a powerful kick, he managed to unbalance Tao behind the dummy. But when it came to the somersault, he just twisted his waist in a way that wasn’t supposed to. So... That Sehun could practice with Jongin relieved him.

And Jongin, ah.

Since the beginning, Kyungsoo started to develop feelings for Jongin. Not that Kyungsoo was being open about them, nope. But it was kind of hard to miss the way his face twisted into a painful expression whenever Kai came back to the dorm after smoking. It was unpleasant for all of them, Sehun complained a lot of times of how the elder was coming to practice reeking.

“I swear his sweat stinks, hyung. It smells like rancid cigarettes, and that’s disgusting” and Han agreed. He wondered if there wasn’t really anything they could do to stop it. _He’s not a kid anymore,_ Kris complained. _He knows what he is doing._ Han thought about it. Jongin was a dumb teenager, but what else could they have done?

Thankfully, the answer was Kyungsoo and his feelings. It was one of those times when EXO-M was in Korea for a while, so Han watched the whole scene. Kyungsoo found Jongin  about to open the door of the balcony with a cig and his lightner in hand. D.O looked angry, then sad, and finally he ended up pressing his mouth into a thin line before grabbing Jongin’s hand.

“Hyung?” Jongin looked confused. “What are you-?”

“Nini. Please, don’t”

“I’m going outside, if the smell annoys you-” D.O shaked his head.

“You’re killing yourself. Please, stop”

“I don’t know any other way to copy with my anxiety, hyung...”

“Just take my hand, lead, dance with me... And I will simply follow the blueness of the water, the white waves rolling free...” **[10]**

“What water are you talking about, hyung?” D.O laughed. At the end, Han had to take both teary boys inside, after they were completely soaked because of the rain. Jongin never smoked again.

 

Han is sweating, exhausted, looking at himself in the mirror of his own dancing studio.

He finds himself thinking again why the fuck he decided it was a good idea to do choreographies for his songs, nobody would have care.

 **LuHan_M [19:26]** >.<  
**LuHan_M [19:26]** But choreos are cool for music vids~  
**LuHan_M [19:27]** I just want my fans to notice I’m working out

 **E.X.O_Xiu [19:30]** ¬_¬  
**E.X.O_Xiu [19:30]** Show off

 **LuHan_M [02:01]** I’m not!!!  
**LuHan_M [22:30]** (✖﹏✖)

 **E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** Tao-yah works out too  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** And he doesn’t show his abs on his videos  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** ◔_◔

 **LuHan_M [02:01]** Ծ_Ծ  
**LuHan_M [22:30]** Because he posts them in IG!

 **E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** I know, Lulu~  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** (• ε •)  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** I know you’re tired  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** But the reward will come later  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** Plus  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** I love watching you dance~  
**E.X.O_Xiu [01:40]** (¬‿¬)

 **LuHan_M [22:30]** (≧◡≦)

 _“You shouldn't push yourself like this, gege”_ Han's phone is pressed against his ear. It's good to hear Yixing after so long.

“I know but I want it to be perfect XingXing”

 _“Then you should stop being so mechanical and let go~”_ Han frowns, sipping from his bottle of water. _“You always look tense...”_

“I don't know how to let go?” Yixing chuckles.

 _“Oh gege, don't lie to me. I saw you dancing with Minseok-ge”_ Han growls as he blushes. He looks behind his back to see if anyone noticed it, but he's the only one on the studio now.

“But he's not here!”

 _“But you have a pretty good imagination, don't you gege?”_ he sips more water _“Look, I know it's hard. It took a while for me and Hunnie to dance together while the other isn't there~”_  

“I don't follow you, XingXing" _what the fuck is he talking about now?_ "What are you on and where can I get some?” Yixing laughs softly. Han always thought Lay had a beautiful laugh (don't tell Xiumin, though).

 _“Oh, you actually sound like FanFan-ge~”_ Yixing finds it amusing and Han just wants to bury his head somewhere. _“I guess you two talk a lot then-”_

“Not that much-”

 _“I saw him the other time, but I couldn’t talk to him, gege. Tell him I said hi”_ Han sighs.

“...I will”

 _“Maybe we can meet sometime so I can help you with your dancing? Just like the old times?”_ Han feels a flinch of pain, but he doesn't mention it. Yixing hasn't meant to hurt him, he's just being his usual oblivious self. _“I've been helping Kai with some moves he was struggling with-”_

“Are we talking about the same amazing dancer here?” it doesn't seem true Jongin was asking for help with a choreography.

 _“Oh, hey. Everyone's human, we can struggle with things sometimes”_ Han hums _“And he's being distracted because he hadn't been spending enough time with Kyungsoo, you know. He misses him, and I understand. I taught him how Hunnie and I deal with the distance...”_

“I kind of envy him, Xing. His boyfriend is in the same country, so he can visit him whenever he wants”

_“I know, right?”_

“And- he kind of dances better than me anyway...”

 _“Gege, literally nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just dance. Great dancers are great because of their passion”_ **[11]** 'are you saying I'm a bad dancer?' Han thinks _“I'm not implying whatever is in that pretty head of yours, gege”_

“Hey, I'm not pretty!”

 _“Handsome, then. Whatever makes you feel better, gege”_ Han growls, feeling better now that he refreshed himself with cool water _“When we were training, I told Nini-yah to just dance”_

“I was there, remember?

 _“Were you, gege?”_ Yixing is probably trying to remember, so Han refreshes his mind.

“Dance for yourself. If someone understands, good. If not, no matter~”  **[12]** Han recites it by heart, th words practically rooted after he told them to himself so many times in front of the mirror. Yixing hums pleased.

 _“Go right on doing what interests you, and do it until it stops interesting you”_ **[12]** Yixing completes.

Lu Han still thinks Yixing and Jongin are the purest souls on Earth, and how much he isn't quite close to do to dance like them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[10]** Oksana Rus  
>  **[11]** Martha Graham  
>  **[12]** Louis Horst


	10. The deer and the guardian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the one everyone considers their 'mom'.

_Wishing I could see the machinations_  
_Understand the toil of expectations in your mind_  
_Hold me like you never lost your patience_  
_Tell me that you love me more than hate me all the time_ _  
_ And you're still mine

**_Lost on you - LP_ **

* * *

 

It never mattered that Lu Han was almost a year older than Junmyeon, he always considered him as his _mom_ as well as Yifan, also younger than him, was his _dad._ He wasn’t the only one, though. The youngers (except for Kyungsoo, obviously) were always calling Suho ‘mom’.

Han remembers how in EXO-M dorm, it was usual to hear someone screaming ‘Dad! What time are we leaving?’ or ‘Dad! What are we eating tonight?’. It was cute, even Suho and Kris found it amusing. Until it wasn’t anymore.

For everyone, Yifan leaving EXO was like experiencing an actual divorce.

Nobody knew what was happening until the very day Yifan’s belongings were packed in boxes outside of the room he shared with Chen. Some of them took _mom’s_ side, read Zitao, Sehun and surprisingly enough Baekhyun, arguing of how cruel it was for his _dad_ to leave them, especially his other half (their _mom),_ without any other explanation.

Some others took _dad’s_ side, read Chanyeol, Yixing and Han, because they watched at first hand how his energy was being drained day by day, almost to the point where they were expecting him to past out at the middle of the dinner. Those were awful days.

At some degree, each one of them chose a side, except for Jongin. Han looked at the younger when Kris was hugging Junmyeon goodbye. Han, as observant as he is, realised Kai was suddenly frowning for some unknown reason. A mere second after that, Junmyeon broke into the awful sobs everyone remember.

He later asked Jongin what was making him frown.

“I didn’t expect what Yifan-hyung said, that’s all” Han remained silent waiting for Jongin to keep going _“Be the best guardian you can be. Save lots of people. And every time you save someone, think of me"_ **[13]**  Han frowned then “I don’t understand its meaning entirely, hyung. I may be wrong, but I think it was kind of low. Fan-hyung sure knows how to make feel someone miserable because of his own misery, you know?” he couldn’t agree less.

 

These last few weeks had been a rollercoaster. Han barely has had time for anything. Even though, he still finds time to check some videos. He has been following EXO’s work for years now. He doesn’t feel regretful at all. They were his bandmates, they're his friends. Anyone against that can fight him.

Sometimes he wonders where SM got all the concepts from. They’re interesting, he won’t deny that, but it’s starting to make no sense at all (it had never made sense since the beginning, anyway). He likes to discuss that concepts, though. Yifan doesn’t like to talk about them, but on that rare occasions when they do it, Yifan would only focus on what Junmyeon told him, maybe because he’s more comfortable with it than actually giving him his own impressions. Tao, on the other hand, is more than happy to talk about EXO’s concepts (or whatever EXO topic it surges).

 **NiniB94 [00:02]** Free to talk, hyung?

 **LuHan_M [00:04]** Sure  
**LuHan_M [00:05]** Why aren’t you asleep, tho?

 **NiniB94 [00:06]** Can’t

 **LuHan_M [00:07]** =_=

“What is this about Nini? You can tell hyung everything. Did Soo-?”

_“Oh, no. Hyung, everything is fine with Soo-hyung. It’s just- Did you see our presentation?”_

“Parts of it, why? Your solo dance was awesome!”

 _“Hyung~!”_ Han wonders if he ever heard Jongin whining like this before _“It wasn’t that important-”_

“No, maybe no” Han concedes “but you did it wonderfully. So congratulations, anyway” Jongin growls.

 _“You are starting to sound a lot like Junmyeon-hyung”_ Han makes a girly noise, and Kai can’t help but laugh.

“God, help me! I’m getting really old, then” Jongin mumbles something which suspiciously sounds like ‘you are’ “Speaking of- How is Myeonnie handling being a single mother? That's what you wanted to talk about?” Jongin hums. Han knows it’s fine to talk like that with Sehun and Kai, they will always find it funny, even when it still hurts. It has being a long time since that anyway, it’s fine. Jongin’s laugh reassures him.

 _“Complaining, as always. We know he talks to Kris-hyung, you know?”_ Han knows, but he wasn’t sure Junmyeon was being open about that.

“Did he tell you?” Jongin sighs.

 _“Suho-hyung? Pfff, no. But he didn’t need to, hyung. We noticed-”_ then that’s why Jongdae and Sehun had asked him (more like whined) why Junmyeon is not telling them a fucking single thing. _“Once a week or so, he locks himself in his room for hours”_ Han chuckles _“I’m not even lying, hyung. Usually we hear muffled giggles, but what gave it away it’s that voice hyung only used when he was speaking to Yifan-hyung. Do you remember?”_ _how could Han forget?_ Watching them together was like actually watching his parents back at home.

 **FanGalaxy [00:29]** How are the kids doing, babe?

 **suhoguards [00:33]** You're impossible, you know that?

 **FanGalaxy [00:34]** Don’t I have the right to ask about them?

 **suhoguards [00:35]** You left us Yifan  
**suhoguards [00:35]** ¬_¬

“Of course I remember. It was hilarious~” Han busies himself in looking through the window of his hotel room “Why are you all  complaining about it? Let the two lovebirds in peace-”

 _“Hyung, it’s not that-”_ Han waits patiently for the next part _“We don’t have any problem with hyung speaking to dad. We think it’s really cool mom still keeps in touch with all of you. I usually ask him to send Tao my regards and that’s perfectly fine”_ Han seems to remember the time when Tao called him excited about how the other members still remembered him and if he should talk to the others soon. _If you feel like it, Taozi. They will understand if you don’t_ was his answer. _“But every time we talk about him he always looks so scandalized, as if we had summoned a demon in the kitchen or so. Yifan’s name is forbidden in the dorm”_

 **FanGalaxy [00:40]** Myeonnie  
**FanGalaxy [00:41]** I told you so many times  
**FanGalaxy [00:41]** It wasn’t ‘cause I wanted to

 **suhoguards [00:41]** You lied to me  
**suhoguards [00:42]** How could you?

 **FanGalaxy [00:43]** I’m sorry, babe  
**FanGalaxy [00:43]** Could you forgive me?  
**FanGalaxy [00:43]** (╯︵╰,)

 **suhoguards [00:48]** No, I hate you

 _“I don’t know what the problem is, if he talks to him, that's it. We’re just wondering how is hyung. When Chanyeol-hyung took a photo of his movie’s poster, Junmyeon-hyung made him erase it after he showed us-”_ Han doesn’t get it either. Maybe that’s why _mom_ and _dad_ get along so well. They’re alike.

“I’m guessing here, Nini. But sometimes, staying away from people is the only protection that you have for your heart” **[14]**

 _“I just wish Suho-hyung would be open about it with us, we might be able to help him with his pain”_ _is not like we’re any different, anyway._

 **suhoguards [01:40]** I’m so sorry, FanFan  
**suhoguards [01:42]** Sometimes it’s just too much...  
**suhoguards [01:45]** I miss you  
**suhoguards [01:45]** (╥_╥)  
**suhoguards [01:48]** I love you ♥

 **FanGalaxy [01:48]** Don’t be  
**FanGalaxy [01:49]** I get it, I miss you too (つд｀)  
**FanGalaxy [01:50]** Love you too ♥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[13]** Scott Speer  
>  **[14]** Anonymous


	11. The deer and the penguin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the one with devil looks and heart-shaped lips.

_Do you see me standing there in the corner?_  
_I was alone, I always am at these big parties_  
_Watching you, watching everybody_  
_Wishing I was more outgoing_  
_Wishing I was dressed up pretty_  
_Wallflower, I'm not here, no one sees me_ _  
Wallflower, I'm by myself, please excuse me_

**_Wallflower - PRISCILLA AHN_ **

* * *

 

Lu Han never, in those years together, quiet understood Kyungsoo. Everyone thought the younger was evil, but if one had to be honest, Han wasn’t actually sure of that (he thought Yixing and he were more like it, you see, even when Kyungsoo did have some evil vein deep inside him indeed).

Han always felt like protecting Soo, for an unknown reason. Perhaps it was that D.O was barely eighteen when they debuted, and he looked so small and squishy, like a little penguin. And he was so different from Tao, the other 93 liner (taller, and definitely more dangerous-looking). At the end, he protected the taller more often than not too, when he realised he was more like a thirteen year-old girl than a scary martial artist.

When Han got to know D.O, properly _know_ him, he realised that Kyungsoo was (is?) always a big misunderstanding.

His devilish glances were caused for his bad sight. His facial expression was always in between blank and psychotic, but that was just because he was very shy and he didn’t know how to interact with people. However, Kyungsoo was really a nice guy. Why would Kai had chose him otherwise? Speaking of, that kid was an innocent angel, despite his first impression of him. He didn’t deserve any less than the best. And D.O is definitely the best. Han had the chance to witness it thrice.

The first time, EXO-M was coming back from an exhausting training day. He wasn't really aware of the hour since all he wanted to do was sleep, but Soo and Sehun were coming back to the dorm too, Sehun drinking the last sips of his bubble tea.

“Thanks for the tea, hyung”

“Don't mention it. Go to sleep already, it’s late and your hyungs would like to sleep” Han knew he was referring to them and he bowed slightly, thankful for it. D.O nodded, barely acknowledging they were there.

The second occasion, Han went to the kitchen for water. It was the deadass morning, hence his surprise to hear noises. He tiptoed into the room (which had the lights turned on), to find a really tired-looking Kyungsoo cooking some chicken with a sleepy Kai attached to his waist. They didn’t notice Han was there.

“Let me move, you brat”

“But hyung, here's really comfy~”

“We're gonna end up burning the entire kitchen, Nini-yah. We won't be able to blame Kris-hyung this time” _ouch, that hurt._ Han chuckled silently anyway.

“I know you won't burn the kitchen, hyung”

“Brat, let me cook so we can go back to sleep-”

“So you don't want to spend time with me?” from his spot, Han could see Jongin pouting and Soo frowning.

“I'm not saying that, _babe”_ the last word was barely audible “It's hardly one in the morning and you're falling asleep” D.O removed the chicken in the frying pan “I'm just here because you can't sleep when you're hungry. I'm pretty tired myself-”

“Can I sleep with you tonight then, hyung?” Han heard Soo growling before kissing the younger lips tenderly.

“Sure, just don't wake Suho-hyung up”

The last one, Chanyeol was pestering everyone to see who would come shopping with him. Nobody wanted to go, because shopping with Chanyeol meant at least four hours wandering around the stores and coming back with at least eight _full_ shopping bags (who the one coming with Chanyeol would have to carry since Chanyeol was the one paying).

“Come on, Baek! It's gonna be fun!” Baekhyun growled, trying to focus on the movie.

“What will I gain from going with you, Yeol?”

“You know you can have anything you want, Baek” Baekhyun was seriously pondering if he should go with his boyfriend or watch the movie, when suddenly Kyungsoo stood up from the couch.

“I'll go with you, hyung” Baekhyun smiled pleased and nodded.

“Soo will go with you, Yeollie~” even when Chanyeol looked slightly abashed, he smiled at Kyungsoo.

“I promise I'll buy you something-”

“There's no need, hyung. Let's go”

Han never heard Kris complained about Kyungsoo the way he did with Tao, Sehun or Jongdae. D.O. always listened to his hyungs, he would obey without hesitation. Neat manners, a cleaner, a pretty decent cooker. Always so collected.

Sometimes, Han had found himself looking at him frowning. Kyungsoo rarely smiled. To hear him laugh was almost a miracle. He was always done with everything, or quoting Chanyeol, he looked about as happy as a penguin in a microwave. **[15]**

 

The one who catches him up about Kyungsoo isn’t Jongin, unsurprisingly. Han has came to terms with the fact that when he talks about EXO, nothing really surprises him anymore. Like Chanyeol calling him on a lazy afternoon. Yeol’s in a place near the sea, given the background sounds (basically waves crashing against any random shore and seagulls).

“Yeol~ How are you?” there’s a pause at the other side of the line, for a moment Han thinks the line is dead “Hello?”

 _“Oh, Lu Han-hyung? Hi...”_ Chanyeol sounds surprised to hear him _“I dialed the wrong number”_ well, that explains it.

“Don’t you want to talk with me, then?” Han is not angry at all, he sounds amused.

_“What? No, no hyung, it’s not that! It’s just- I’m sorry, you’re probably busy and-”_

“It’s alright Yeol. Even if I were busy I’d talk to you. But I’m not, so...”

 _“Oh, really? Cool, then”_ Chanyeol then hums a little bit happier, not too much though. _“So- How are you doing, hyung?”_

“Me? Not bad. It’s getting better” silence, Han rasps a bit uncomfortable “How are you? Where are you right now?”

 _“Busan. Don’t tell anyone, tough. They’re going to be mad at me”_ Han chuckles.

“I won't, don't worry” Chanyeol then allows himself to laugh softly. It's not even close to the way Han is used to see him laugh, but it sounds right. “What are you doing there, anyway?”

 _“Ah, I'm just escaping from the dorm for a while. Kyungsoo-yah and Jongin-ah... I'm just giving them time, you know what I mean” fuck, yeah._ Han lost count on how many times they got to wear earphones to sleep (Jongdae is _always_ a whiner, Christ).

“I get it” Chanyeol hums “So... Did Kyungsoo is finally open with his feelings?” Han doesn't identify the sound Chanyeol makes, it could be a growl, a whine or a chuckle.

_“Haven't you seen him hyung?! He is a little brat. He enjoys hitting Baekhyun on stage. He is not afraid to chase down whoever does something he doesn't like. I play a lot with him on stage too~”_

“Yeah, I saw it. He spat you water one time-”

 _“Argh, hyung! Please- Everyone laughs at me for that!”_ Han laughs and Chanyeol whines _“I didn't think he was actually going to spit the water!”_

“You should know better, even I know is dangerous to mess around with him”

 _“Now I know, thanks hyung”_ another pause, more sounds coming from the sea.

“Are you alright, Yeollie?”

_“Me? Yeah, why hyung?”_

“You sound distracted, Channie”

 _“Oh, no. I'm-”_ the waves sound louder _“I'm sorry hyung, I'm just looking for some seashells for Baekhyun. He's coming back soon, he has been very busy with CBX and Jongdae and-”_ Chanyeol stops himself, but Han doesn't say anything. _He knows._ He hasn't been able to talk with Minseok lately. And he resented what he said about him and Jongdae being a 'regular married couple’, even when he clarified to Han later it was just for fan service. He's just glad he wasn’t the one having to confront Zitao later _“Mmh, yeah. You know he loves to collect seashells. But everything’s fine-”_

“Alright, then I'll leave you to it. Try not to drop your phone on the water”

_“Hyung!”_

“What is it, Yeol?”

_“Uh... Now that he had some time to talk. I- Thank you, hyung. I know you had been talking to Kyungsoo-yah lately. I wish he trusted us as much as he trust you-”_

“Maybe it’s because I'm not there anymore, Yeol”

_“...I shouldn't know about the penguin message, hyung” oh, the penguin “Kai shouldn't either, but Kyungsoo-yah isn't really careful with his phone. Please, don't tell him we know or he would kill us-”_

**LuHan_M [01:30]** You looked great!  
**LuHan_M [01:30]** >‿‿◕

 **Soo [01:40]** Hyung  
**Soo [01:42]** No  
**Soo [01:45]** I’m not tall as Chanyeol  
**Soo [01:46]** I'm not good-looking as Baekhyun  
**Soo [01:46]** I’m not cool as the others

 **LuHan_M [01:59]** Kyungsoo-yah  
**LuHan_M [02:00]** Stop  
**LuHan_M [02:00]** Don't compare yourself to anyone  
**LuHan_M [02:01]** You’re perfect in your own way  
**LuHan_M [02:02]** A penguin cannot become a giraffe **[16]**  
**LuHan_M [02:02]** So just be the best penguin you can be **[16]**

“Hey, hey. I won't tell a thing, don’t worry” it seems that Chanyeol is really afraid of Kyungsoo.

_“Anyway, thank you hyung. We really appreciate what you're doing for all us, even when you're not here, you're still taking care of us”_

“I'm glad to hear that” _I'm glad I could help._

 _“Please, tell me if there's anything I can do for you, hyung. Anything”_ Han can hear the break in his voice, and he doesn't know what to say. He knows Chanyeol is about to cry, but he was never really good in comforting him (or anyone, for that matter), it was Kris the one who could calm the youngers.

“I will Yeollie, thanks to you too. Say hi to Baekhyun for me, I haven't been able to talk to him recently, would you?” for any answer, Han hears more ocean background noises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[15]** Sid Waddell  
>  **[16]** Gary Vaynerchuk


	12. The deer and the happy virus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About a deep voice and an almost always present smile (cute dimples and all).

_You're a world away_  
_Somewhere in the crowd_  
_In a foreign place_  
_Are you happy now?_  
_There's nothing left to say_  
_So I shut my mouth_  
_So won't you tell me, babe_ _  
Are you happy now?_

**_Happy now - ZEDD FT. ELLEY DUHÉ_ **

* * *

 

Lu Han watched carefully as Chanyeol moved around FanFan, following him like a puppy. It didn’t go unnoticed how as much as the Chinese member wanted to push the Korean member away, he just growled to keep the hyperactive one at bay. Han watched curiously as Chanyeol interrupted the elder over and over again to gain his attention, only earning himself some side glances and furred brows.

“Will you stop now, brat?”

“But, hyung! You promised me to teach me Mandarin!” Chanyeol whined. Han thought that his voice wasn’t really made for whining but the attempt was a cute one “Come on, hyung!” the younger dropped all his weight over Yifan, who growled and looked at him with his deadly expression.

“Did I, really?” Chanyeol nodded quickly. _You did, you did, you did, youdidyoudidyoudid._ Kris rolled his eyes. _Chanyeol is seriously like a dog._ Han chuckled silently. Yifan was really predictable. He wanted to keep his cool image with the others, even when he doesn’t need to pretend whatever he wasn’t with the others. They considered him their family. Yifan didn’t know what he did for the others to look at him as if he has his dad.

“Hyung, please~” another whine, that time the whined drew the attention of the others to him. Zitao cocked an eyebrow before getting back to whatever he was watching with Jongdae on his phone and Sehun just shaked his head, disapproving. “I have free time now!” Kris mumbled something like ‘I can see that’ but he didn’t move at all from his position. Chanyeol pouted, staring at Yifan pleading. _Please, please hyung._ Han knew that look.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been in that place before. The maknaes were always trying to get something from the elders, he had dealt with Sehun and Jongdae more than enough to know what Chanyeol was trying to do. Yifan must had known too, because he closed his eyes in an attempt to resist. But Chanyeol wouldn’t give up, he knew how the _pleading look_ worked, he had experienced it enough times to know that it’s just matter of time to give in to the pressure (he had to learnt something from his boyfriend Baekhyun anyway, that manipulative bastard).

“Hyung~ Come on, you promised-” Yifan made the mistake to crack an eye open. Chanyeol knew Kris was ready to give up when he saw Chanyeol’s teary eyes. Yifan sighed loudly, drawing Junmyeon’s attention back to himself, who nodded pleased. _It’s your son too, do as he wants._ Han could picture how the conversation was going to evolve later.

“Alright, alright...” Yifan mumbled, getting into a comfortable position (the most comfortable he could get with a boy almost as tall as him over his lap). “Why did you say you wanted to learn again?” Chanyeol kept still over his lap.

“Uh- Because...” he looked at the others for help. _Why did Chanyeol want to learn Chinese?_ Jongdae and Minseok had to learn because they were in EXO-M, so it was a requirement. _Duh._ Sehun was learning because Han was his best friend (and he started to date Yixing). Junmyeon wasn’t really interested in learning, but what use would have to him? Yifan was almost a Korean native-speaker, there was no need. Then again, _why did he want to learn?_ “Because it’s hyung’s native language” Kris cocked an eyebrow and Han tried to look at Chanyeol’s face, curious “Maybe like this you won’t miss home that much?” there was a slight tint of doubt in his voice. Han could almost see the smile forming in Yifan’s lips, but he was playing cool, so he didn’t smile after all.

“Brat” was all he said before asking “Have you catched something of Mandarin already?”

“Uh- _Nǐ hǎo?"_

 

After all, Chanyeol wasn’t good with Mandarin, after a few tries both of them gave up, and not for the lack of trying. Yifan left after that, so Chanyeol didn’t have a reason to try to learn anymore. Kris wasn’t contacting them. Han hesitated for a month whether or not to call Yifan. It took him around three months to text Junmyeon again. Han isn’t really good dealing with people crying. The first time he heard Yifan _sobbing,_ it caught him out of guard.

It has been years since that, anyway.

 _“Gege, don’t you have something else to do right now?”_ Yifan sounds something between annoyed and tired.

“Don’t you want to talk with me, FanFan? Your one and only friend?” Han’s voice is playful.

_“Gege, stop being this dramatic. You know I actually have more friends-”_

“Don’t you even dare, _Yifan”_ Kris knows Han is joking, but it still makes him stop talking “The disrespect...” He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly shaking “The dishonor...” Yifan is trying to get his breathing steady. He puts the phone away from his ear as Han keeps mumbling how that makes him ‘a bad dad’. Once he’s calmed, he presses the phone against his ear again “...you can’t just deny your kids like that, FanFan”

_“Gege, for the last time. I’m not your father!”_

“Of course not, you brat” Han knows Yifan is frowning. Minseok and him are the ones who actually look younger than him, so whenever he reminds him of the fact that he’s actually _older_ than Yifan, Kris frowns. “Who would have an ugly dad like you, anyway?” this time Yifan actually protest with a loud ‘hey’ and Han laughs openly.

 _“Why did you call me?”_ Yifan then relaxes. He’s not shaking anymore. He knows he doesn’t have to be tough with Lu Han. He does miss them. It’s to keep his cool facade when someone asks about EXO, about his former band members, about Junmyeon, about Yixing, about Han, about Zitao. Yifan notices Han hasn’t answer him, so he adds _“It’s nice to hear you again, gege”_ Han smiles pleased. The last time was around two months ago.

“It’s nice to hear you too, FanFan. How is everything going in America?” it’s not that Han hasn’t been following what Yifan has been doing lately, it’s just that he enjoys to hear his deep voice mumbling excited about his new projects. Han hums absentmindedly to anything Yifan says, not really paying that much attention.

Han usually finds himself remembering when he talks to Yifan, with him more than with the other members. He chuckles silently because of that time he almost burned the kitchen and blamed Kris for it, or that time when he had to take a shower with Tao because he saw a ‘ghost’. But there are not only funny memories. Like that time when Jongdae was burning up in fever and Yifan urged Zitao to push him under the cold water before he left to buy some medicine. Or that other time when he took Han to the hospital because a really bad food poisoning (Yixing’s fault, but that’s another story).

 _“...and I said I'm just a natural flirt, but I don't see it in a sexual way. A lot of the time I'm like an overexcited puppy”_ **[17]** Han comes back to the present.

“Isn’t that something Chanyeol said sometime?” for an answer, Han only gets a deep laugh. “Why, FanFan?!”

_“I like the boy”_

“But-”

 _“You know why I don’t contact them, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be fond of them, that I feel proud of their achievements”_ Han is unsure of what to say _“Do you think they are the same? I mean, I still think about them, I’m still with them, even when I’m working on my own at the other side of the world”_

“FanFan, I don’t-”

_“I know at least Chanyeol misses me...”_

“Chanyeol misses everyone”

_“But you don’t see him snapping pictures of Zitao’s or your posters, right?”_

“First of all, I think Jongdae would kill him if he saw him taking pictures of a poster of his boyfriend. Not that there are much out there, to begin with. And second, I know Sehun is the one that snaps pictures of my posters”

_“You’re so proud of yourself-”_

“So do you” Han feels so lost, but happy.

_“Anyway. I don’t see the reason why I can’t quote Chanyeol if he’s my friend-”_

“Why don’t you text him, then?”

_“Haven’t you just heard me? I can’t contact them”_

“And still, you talk to Junmyeon every other week-”

 _“I saw the movie he filmed”_ he is avoiding the topic _“That kiss wasn’t real”_

“Of course the kiss wasn’t real, Yifan! It was a fucking movie-”

_“But can you imagine the shrieks Baekhyun would have made when he saw his boyfriend kissing someone else? And a girl, above all...”_

“Are you talking from experience, FanFan~?” Han’s voice is playful again.

 _“I thought I would never hear the end of that”_ Yifan sighs. _“The longest three weeks of my life”_ Han laughs. _“I’ve been trying to ask you about Chanyeol. Well, and everyone else, but especially Chanyeol. I’ve been thinking in texting him, you know?”_

“You should”

_“But what if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”_

“Are you serious now? Haven’t we been talking about how he snaps pictures of your posters? Junmyeon probably avoids to tell you this, but you know I don’t. Because they’re always asking about you. You don’t know how fucking stubborn the brats are. ‘You talk to Yifan-hyung, right?’, ‘tell him I said hi’, ‘tell him I miss him’, ‘tell him we support his relationship with hyung’, ‘tell him we’re proud of him’” Yifan smiles helplessly.

_“Next time, tell them I miss them too”_

“Seriously?” Yifan hums “What is into you now? Do you want me to tell Zitao that you forgave him too?”

_“...that wouldn’t be a bad idea”_

“Are you hearing yourself? Go get your head inspected, FanFan. Or the next thing you will say will be that you like D.O”

_“I always liked Kyungsoo-yah, especially when he hits Baekhyun-”_

“Don’t let Junmyeon hear you say that” Han growls and Kris laughs. This is the most happy Han has heard him in _years._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[17]** Kylie Minogue


	13. The deer and the bacon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About the one with a shiny personality and a name that sounds like food.

_Is there an answer? Is there not?_  
_I don't know. I'm still not sure_  
_We're lost because adults say you're "Just a child..."_  
_But it’s funny to find the solution_  
_Though it might not be found quickly_  
_But don't give up_  
_Until its solved_  
_Even if you mess up its okay_ _  
"All right!!" Please say it_

**_Tip taps tip - HALCALI_ **

* * *

 

“Gege! Tell him to stop!” a migraine was threatening to form in Lu Han’s head. A throbbing pain, barely there, but recognisable enough to know how it would end.

 _“Gege~ Tell him to stop~”_  Baekhyun laughed again and Zitao whined for the fourth time. Han pinched the bridge of his nose, before scolding both of them in a low voice.

“Brats, would you shut up now?” he growled. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with them, not this tired. Neither of them listened.

“But gege! I didn’t do anything!” there was another series of complains in quick Mandarin, that Han blatantly ignored.

“Tao-” Han warned.

“It’s not my fault he talks funny, hyung...” Han’s eye twitched. _Why Baekhyun was always like this?_ The kid was a brat, always causing troubles, always mocking Tao and Xing’s accents when they talked in Korean, always laughing when D.O stuttered because he was angry, always grabbing the members’ asses...

“Baekhyun, stop it. It’s not polite to-”

“Well hyung, you’re not polite either” _what?!_ Han opened his eyes widely. _Who did this brat think he was?_ “You’re just scolding me, but you’re not saying anything to Zitao” Han felt the migrain getting stronger, his eye twitched a little bit more.

“That would be because you’re the one annoying him” _and me too._

“But he’s yelling, hyung!” Han looked around for help from the other members, but it seemed he was the only one with them at the moment. Except for Kyungsoo, who was just getting in the room with bags full of groceries.

“Baekhyun-” Han started, but he didn’t know what to tell him. He frowned, but then he felt Kyungsoo’s hand over his shoulder and he relaxed. _I’m taking care of this now, hyung._

“Hyung, I thought you actually had some manners. He’s your hyung and you’re annoying, so shut up” Baekhyun opened his eyes widely and Zitao giggled. “You too, Tao-yah. You’re being too noisy and my head hurts” Han looked at him, thankful. Kyungsoo nodded before he left the room to prepare dinner for everyone.

Han left the living room too, to go to his bedroom and rest. Hopefully the migrain would disappear by the dinner.

He was falling asleep, when he heard Kyungsoo muffled yelling coming from the kitchen.

“Hyung! What are you doing here?! You’re going to burn the _bibimbap!_ Get out of here!” Han heard Kyungsoo pushing Baekhyun out of the kitchen, with the respective protest of _I’m your hyung, Kyungsoo-yah!_ “Zitao! For the love of- Stop eating and keep chopping the pepper!”

“But the bacon is delicious, Soo~”

 

Whenever Han founds himself in the kitchen, he remembers when he was in EXO. Back then, he would always find someone in the kitchen, sneaking food. At EXO-M dorm, usually Kris and Lay cooked, not elaborated meals, of course, but delicious in its own way (he smiles when he remembers Jongdae and Minseok _moaning_ at how delicious the Chinese food was). D.O could be found more often than not in the kitchen too. He would have random helpers like Kai, Jongdae, sometimes Taozi (when they were in Korea), and Junmyeon too.

Han's trying to cook bibimbap for the third time this week. It's December again (not really a good time for anyone, you see), so he's trying to busy himself in something productive, more productive than wallowing himself in his own misery, that’s it. Usually, he tries to avoid to have his schedule free at this time of the year, but everyone pushed enough for him to take “a well deserved rest”. _Rest, my ass._

Han can't stop thinking about the dorm when he smells the rich scent of Korean food. There used to be laughing and yelling and random noises coming from any place in the dorm. Now he tends to replace the noises with music, like Usher is doing today. The bacon is burning _again._ He growls, before he leaves the kitchen to grab his phone which he left charging in his bedroom.

 **LuHan_M [16:45]** Help?

Han sighs, brushing his hair off his forehead. He raises his eyes to look at the empty living room. His flat looks awfully alike the dorm he used to live in. He blinks, tired, waiting for someone to open the door at any given moment and scold him for the disaster he made in the kitchen, or for how late it’s already and how the food isn’t ready, or why is he cooking bibimbap instead of dragon noodles. The only answer he gets it’s a text message.

 **Soo [16:49]** Hyung? What's wrong?

  
**LuHan_M [16:50]**  
**LuHan_M [16:45]** (︶︹︺)

 **Soo [16:49]** ⊙︿⊙  
**Soo [16:49]** Videotalking?

 **LuHan_M [16:45]** Please!

It takes exactly six minutes for Han’s phone to ring with Kyungsoo’s call. It makes him drop the knife he’s using to chop peppers and almost end up cutting his finger, but luckily he catches the knife at the right angle.

The phone keeps ringing, showing a cute picture of Kyungsoo with a penguin onesie (that probably Jongin chose as his profile picture). Han makes sure to look the most presentable he can look with his comfy clothes and a bun on the top of his head, avoiding his hair to catch on fire.

 _“Hyung?”_ Han then thinks it might be a bad moment to video call, since Kyungsoo is in the kitchen too. _“How are you?”_ Kyungsoo then inspects Han’s kitchen through his own camera, trying to distinguish if there's fire or smoke.

“Uh... I can actually call later, Kyungsoo-yah” D.O gives him one of those rare soft reassuring smiles and shakes his head.

 _“It's fine, hyung. I can multitask”_ Han frowns but Kyungsoo ignores him _“So, how is everything going in Beijing, hyung? It's weird to find you at home at this time of the year~”_ Kyungsoo isn't looking at the camera as he pours noodles in the boiling water.

“Well... about that-”

 _“It's ok, hyung. I know why. We are like you. In fact, everyone's is outside, except for Baekhyun-hyung. He insisted on staying here to help me with the dinner, but he has been asleep for a while and I didn't want to wake him up”_ Han sighs relieved and allows himself to chuckle nervously.

“Don't wake him up, he's probably tired. I know he has been working hard lately-”

 _“Alright, alright. You didn't call just to make small chat about Baekhyun, did you?”_ Han pouts helplessly before removing to let Kyungsoo see his messy kitchen and his burned meat. _“Sweet Jesus! What happened there?!”_

“I kind of got distracted...?”

 _“Did you fight with Minseok-hyung?”_ Han frowns, shaking his head _“Was it Sehun? Tao?”_

“I haven't really talked to-”

 _“Throw that into the trash, would you hyung?”_ D.O refers to the bacon. Han complies while he keeps listening to Kyungsoo _“I know what is happening”_

“And what it is?” Han waits for Kyungsoo’s instructions.

 _“Heat the frying pan”_ Han turns on the stove and he's ready to pour some oil _“Don’t!”_ Han stills himself. _“You're lonely”_

“Aren't all of us?” Kyungsoo hums, the sound of chicken frying fills the EXO’s dorm kitchen. “It's heated already”

 _“Put some bacon then, not too much tough or it'll burn again”_ Han nods as he follows his words _“Maybe you're right, but you feel it more than us because you don't share your flat with anyone. I know because of Jongdae-hyung that at least Zitao is with his family and Kris-hyung talks oftenly with Suho-hyung”_

“I do talk to Minseok oftenly, Kyungsoo-yah. I talk to all of you, indeed” Han sniffs. The bacon smells delicious this time.

 _“Flip them or they'll burn”_ D.O does the same with his chicken, and his own bacon. _“But it hurts you more when you don't talk to any of us, because that way it reminds you of what you chose. On the other hand, Yifan-hyung gets hurt whenever he speaks to Junmyeon, because he tries to ignore that part of his life, it causes him pain”_

“Hey, he doesn't try to ignore you-”

 _“Doesn't he?”_ Kyungsoo reflexes, and Han shakes his head, wondering if he should take out the bacon _“Do it already, hyung” it's as if D.O could read his mind._

 _“Kyungsoo-yah?”_ this time, Baekhyun’s voice come through the speakers and Han raises his eyes to watch him on the screen.

“Hey Baek~” he says sheepishly.

 _“Lu Han-hyung? I thought you weren’t home right now”_ Baekhyun looks restless. Han can tell he hasn’t been able to sleep well lately.

“Is everything alright there?” Han asks “Is Chanyeol-?” Baekhyun remains silent, looking awkwardly to the frying pan with the bacon.

 _“He's just worried because Chanyeol-hyung was supposed to come back today, but his flight is delayed...”_ Kyungsoo rolls his eyes annoyed. _It isn't really that much of a drama, either way._ Han doesn't say anything, because he thinks he understands Baekhyun, he would be worried as hell is something like that happened when his baozi visited him _“You just worry too much, Baek”_ Kyungsoo takes some bacon with his chopsticks from the frying pan _“Here. Eat some bacon...”_ Baekhyun mumbles something in his ear _“What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon”_ **[18]** Han chuckles.

 _“Why were you calling Kyungsoo-yah, hyung?”_ Baekhyun says still munching the bacon.

“Bibimbap” Baekhyun nods in understanding. The bacon is miraculously well cooked (and not burned) this time.

 _“Will you manage by yourself now, hyung?”_ the kitchen timer he set is ringing already.

“I'll get by. Thanks guys” before he ends his video call, he can hear Baekhyun asking ‘why is he thanking me for, Soo-yah?’. Kyungsoo just shakes his head. _For keeping him company for a while._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[18]** Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says


	14. The deer and the maknae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About a brat.

_I'm not about to complain._  
_That's too much time and energy,_  
_too long a walk to try to turn back._  
_And I'm not the same._  
_It's plain enough to see,_  
_but some of us are living in the past._  
_Oh, but looking at the present's fucking sad._

_**Smoke Damage - HI, I'M CASE** _

* * *

 

The place wasn't crowded when Lu Han and Sehun got in. They chose the table at the corner, as per usual. Sehun looked like he owned the place, with that serious expression on his face as he took one of the chairs, facing the wall.

“Do you want to try something new?” Han said as he checked for his wallet in his jeans. Sehun shaked his head. “The usual it is, then” Han left the table to ask for their drinks. Choco and taro bubble tea. Regular size with extra tapioca.

When he returned, Sehun was typing something on his phone. He thanked Han as he placed the tea in front of him, demanding Sehun’s complete attention. “What are you doing, Hun?” Sehun saved his phone in his leather jacket.

“Just texting hyung” Han hummed. _Which hyung is he talking about?_ It could be Junmyeon, or Yixing. They're the only ones who would care enough to know where he was. Not that the others didn't worry about them, but they were busy in their own business (and Han told Xiumin beforehand he was taking Sehun for bubble tea).

“Alright” Sehun sipped some of his drink, chewing the pearls in his mouth. “Are you sure Yixing isn’t mad at you for being here with me?”

“I already told you, Han. He’s glad I can spend some time with you. He said something about how he was going to be in the studio all day and that he didn’t want me to feel abandoned, so he was actually relieved-” Han hummed sipping his own bubble tea. As he chewed the tapioca, he thought about Sehun.

After all that time they had spent together, and despite all his best efforts, Sehun was still a brat. He always got away with way too much, but not that it annoyed Han, to his own surprise. After all, he was really fond of the kid.

The only thing they ever argued was about honorifics, and Han didn’t win. _Why do I have to call you hyung? You’re not even Korean._ Han was really mad at that time, but Sehun didn’t care. _Then, call me gege._ Han thought the arguing would be finishing with Sehun calling him _Han-ge_ as the other Chinese members, but then Sehun observed _but I'm not Chinese, so that doesn’t apply either._ Han frowned.

“What are you thinking about?” Han came back to the bubble tea shop, with Sehun sitting in front of him, arching an eyebrow, curious. Han shaked his head.

“You’re a brat”

“But that’s nothing new, right?” Han frowned deeper before he laughed. A laugh that Sehun followed.

_Ah, they could be doing this forever._

 

However, as per usual, life had proven Han wrong. But then again, there are so many things he couldn’t predict that would happen (or that he would do). Like traveling to Korea to study, or to have an audition to be part of a boy band.

He couldn’t have predicted he would be best friends with a tall thin guy called Sehun or he would fall in love with a baozi-like Korean boy called Minseok. He couldn’t have predicted he was going to consider some boys younger than him his parents, and other eight as his brothers (Minseok doesn’t count because he’s the love of his life). He wouldn’t have thought of leaving them when the life wasn’t as satisfying as it seemed to be. He wouldn’t have thought of supporting them from far far away for this long after he left.

“We still are one, Han” Sehun says, in front of him. The scene is really familiar, but not so common lately. A table on the corner of the shop and bubble tea, chocolate and taro. They haven’t really changed that much.

“What?” Han blinks.

“That’s what you're thinking, right?” he purposely forgets to say ‘hyung’ or ‘gege’ again. Han doesn’t even notice it anymore.

“I wasn’t-”

“I know you are” Han looks away from the taller “Or at least you were, even if you’re not anymore”

“Will this be our routine everytime we see us, Oh Sehun?”

“Only if you want it to be” Han frowns, before he takes another sip of his bubble tea. Sehun smiles softly, barely.

Like this, Han can pretend everything happened differently. That neither him, nor Yifan nor Tao left EXO. That Yixing isn’t out there in China dreaming big when his own boyfriend is stuck in Korea, pursuing his own goals. That Kris never fought with Taozi, that Suho never denied FanFan’s existence. That Jongdae didn’t act all brave when Tao left. That Sehun didn’t cry when he and Yixing left. That Minseok isn’t missing him.

“I don’t want to feel sad every time I visit you, Hun” Sehun takes another sip, humming.

“I know, I’m sorry” he offers an apologetic smile before he lowers his gaze. They spend a couple of minutes in silence. Sehun doesn’t really know what does he want to talk about, they talk oftenly so it’s not as there is really much to catch up with. The younger enjoys Han’s company, even if they spend the rest of the afternoon in silence.

“Kris forgave Tao, you know” Han says conversationally. Sehun coughs, avoiding the tapioca pearl to travel the wrong way. Han looks at him amused, before deciding he doesn’t want his best friend to actually die and tries to help him.

When Sehun finally calms down, he’s frowning. “That wasn’t funny, Lu Han”

“It is though, because it's true” Sehun spits one of the tapioca pearls in his hand before throwing it at Han.

“Don’t play with my feelings like that, it’s cruel”

“Ewww!” he uses a napkin to wipe the trail of choco bubble tea and spit from his cheek. Han is ready to go to the bathroom and sanitize his cheek and fingers, but first... “Listen, I’m not lying. He even told me to tell you 'hi' when I talked to you” Han is expecting the next sticky projectile with closed eyes, but after a while nothing happens. He opens his eyes to find a Sehun frowning before his expression turns blank (like he does when he’s done with something).

“I knew it” it’s time from Han to frown.

“What?”

“Wouldn’t it be fun that after how much troubles they caused us, _mom_ and _dad_ got back together?” _what is he talking about?_ Then he do that funny thing with his tongue.

“Do you know something I don’t?” Han cocks an eyebrow.

“Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, you know the price of the information. If you want me to spill hot tea with you, you know I want something in return~”

“What a brat, so blatantly blackmailing his _gege”_

“You still love me~”

“Despite my best efforts. I get now why you and Yixing are dating...” for an answer, Sehun grins. _Pure evil behind those cute faces._ Han sighs loudly, and Sehun grins even wider.

“But for real. I don’t know anything. I guess I just kind of want to see them together once again? Wouldn’t it be nice? They were a really nice couple” Han looks at him, chewing more tapioca pearls “They still are”

“Why do you always insist on talking about FanFan?” Han mumbles.

“Me? It was you who brought the topic-"

“I’m not talking just about you, Hun. I swear everyone has an obsession with him. His ego is big enough already, can you please stop asking for a minute on how is him?” Han growls. “It’s annoying”

“I’m sorry” Sehun sips more tea.

“You’re not”

“No, I’m not” Han rolls his eyes “You can’t blame me, though. I think they are a nice couple so they shouldn’t be hiding. I don’t know why hyung denies it to us if all of us already know-”

“You know the reason-”

“Don’t we all have to deal with that? Come on, we are his family, _their family,_ can they not trust us?”

“They’ve been hiding for a long time, Hun” there’s no use to deny it anymore. “Sometimes it’s hard to break the habits-”

“Well, it sucks”

“I know” they finish their bubble tea in silence.

Han keeps thinking in how things would have been. He struggled with this after so many years. And he has came into terms with his decisions. They took him back to China, where he can make whatever song he wants (more than one have coded lyrics for EXO, especially for Minseok). However, it doesn’t matter how many years had been since the day he left, it still breaks his heart whenever he hears about them, when he watches them, when he talks to them.

They leave the place quietly, walking side by side.

“Stop thinking like that”

“What?” Han turns his head to look at Sehun, confused. Sehun rolls his eyes.

“Things could had been different, but they aren’t. It could have been difficult for us at first, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We all have learnt to live with the decisions we made. It hurt us to watch you depart, but it would have hurt worse if we had watched you being unhappy. You weren’t doing fine, and we get it”

“Yeah, but there are so many things that I could have done, Hun. I’m turning twenty-nine soon, and I’m worried. You’re only young once-” **[19]**

“And if you work it right, once is enough Han” **[19]** Han stares at Sehun. They aren't walking anymore “Even when I haven’t spend all the time I wanted with Yixing, I don’t regret a single choice I made, hyung. Who cares about that, if both of us are working for the same goal?”

“Hunnie, that’s-”

“Oh, _come on!_ It's not like we're the first ones. Jongdae already told me about the ring he bought Zitao~ And Minseok was with him that time. Don’t you even dare to-” Han open his mouth, surprised.

“Hey! I didn’t know-” Sehun opens his eyes comically.

“Oops?” Han is in shock, and Sehun laughs nervously. _Minseok-hyung will kill me._

Then Han laughs, hysterically. “Oh, God!” Han drags Sehun to the bubble tea shop once again, ready to buy another ones “We’re not leaving until you tell me _fucking_ everything! Have you seen it?” Sehun smiles, nodding.

Like this, one won't be able to tell they hadn't seen each other in _months,_ that they hadn't talk in _weeks._ It doesn't matter, who cares anymore they are all living in different paces? It has been years since the first heartache they had to suffer. They're all still friends, they all still care about the others, no matter what.

Han listens to Sehun with a smile on his face. Sehun has this serious expression with a smile fighting to come out as he describes everything to Han (everything he knows).

Han thinks about that time when in this same shop, he thought that he could be enjoying bubble tea with Sehun forever.

“Is it engraved?”

“I couldn't see that, I just hold it in my hands for mere seconds, just to give him my opinion of the ring. 'As your best friend, I know what you like better than anyone’ or that's what Minseok-hyung said”

“Oh, so you call him _hyung,_ but not me?” They changed, but they don't.

“I thought you didn't mind not calling you like that, _gege”_

“Brat”

_It’s almost like before._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[19]** Joe E. Lewis


	15. Epilogue: The deer and EXO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7 years later

_If you start to like someone else_  
_If I get used to not being with you_  
_When that time comes, when it’s that time_  
_Then, then..._  
_Whether you want it or not, I’m going to hold onto you_  
_When I get too tired that I can’t even walk_  
_When that time comes, when it’s that time_ _  
Only then we can break up_

**_Only then - ROY KIM_**

* * *

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea” Lu Han closes his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose before sighing “Hey, guys. Hear me out, please” Junmyeon is about to open his mouth, but Yifan stops him, looking at him through his own camera.

 _“Let him speak, Myeonie”_ Han can feel himself growling. He looks at the clock on his laptop. Eight forty two in the morning. _It’s too early for this shit._

“I don’t want to be a spoilsports, but-” Yifan and Junmyeon don’t say anything, waiting for Han to continue “It has been _years,_ guys. You promised you were going to tell the others about your relationship, but you haven’t” Han revolves his hair with his hand “You lost a lot of things because of that, and they’re hurt” Junmyeon has teary eyes, and Yifan is frowning because he can’t do anything to make him feel better. Han almost laughs. It serves them right to make Sehun and Tao cry. “How are you planning to gather them together without it being suspicious, hmm?”

 _“That’s why we are talking to you, hyung”_ Junmyeon says in a soft voice.

“I don’t want to have something to do with this-”

 _“Gege-”_ Yifan’s low voice gets into his bones and Han shivers. _He isn’t your dad._ _“Please, this is important to us-”_

“What do you expect me to tell them?” Han tries so hard not to raise his voice “That we’re having a family meeting or-?”

 _“Hyung, please-”_ Han almost regrets picking up the call _“Just be sure they are all there, I don’t care what you tell them, but please, it would mean the world to us that you could do that-”_ Junmyeon is positively pouting, and Han sighs loudly. _Minnie was right, I’m too weak for the youngers._

“You’ll owe me big for this, FanFan” he stares through his camera, hoping that his look gives Yifan a hint that he’s not comfortable with his task, but he will do it for Junmyeon.

_“As always, gege”_

_“Thanks”_ Junmyeon has a hint of a smile in his lips. Han dismisses it, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. _Suí nǐ"_ Yifan rolls his eyes too, before Han abandons the call.

 

It is easier than Han expected it to be. Yifan and Junmyeon were right in asking him to talk to them, because he’s close to everyone. So, when he asked them to meet him in Český, nobody objected it or wondered why. Well, Han is relieved about that.

He gave them the address Yifan and Junmyeon gave him, and asked everyone of them to meet him there on a Friday, at four in the afternoon.

“This better be good, Lu-” Minseok and Lu Han are already waiting for the others in said place (a cozy restaurant). Han is rubbing his hand over Minseok’s. “Why did they choose the middle of the winter in Český, again?” it’s been almost half an hour and Minseok can't get his hands warm again.

“I don’t know, babe” Minseok is not really saying anything, but he keeps frowning. Han chews his lips _anxiously_ before he looks at the watch on his wrist. Three fifty-one. Minseok is still staring at him, but he decided to busy himself in sipping his warm cocoa instead of arguing with Han. _There will be time for that later._

“Gege?” Han looks up, to find Zitao, wrapped in layers and layers of warm clothes (black coat, black gloves, black hat and pink scarf), dragging Jongdae behind him to the table they’re sitting at. “Are we on time?” Minseok and Han nod “We had arrived fifteen minutes ago if Mr. Kim-Huang-” Jongdae rolls his eyes “hadn’t taken his sweet time to choose a pair of boots-” Minseok cocks an eyebrow, curious.

“Come on, Taozi~ You were the one yelling me the brown ones didn’t match with my attire” Zitao starts to peel off all the layers of warm clothes, now that they’re in a warm place.

“Did you drive all the way here?” Minseok asks and Jongdae shakes his head.

“Are you crazy, hyung?! Who will drive here with all that snow? No, we took the tram” Han squints at Zitao as he takes a sit.

“I though _Princess Peach_ didn’t like to travel by public transportation-” Zitao is about to refute the argument Han said, when another voice interrupts his conversation.

“He doesn’t. We were on the same tram. He complained the whole trip-” Zitao looks at the door ready to yell, but he smiles warmly instead. He stands up to greet his friends.

“Sehun-ah!” Sehun grins, before they share a warm hug. Behind him, Yixing gets in too. Jongdae looks suspiciously at Han, who suddenly seems interested in the snow falling outside the restaurant. “Long time we don’t see us. I thought we were the only ones coming-”

“Since your wedding, I guess. How long has it been?” Yixing is already less wrapped in warm clothes and willing to greet everyone, staring from Jongdae.

“Eight months?” Jongdae scratches the back of his head. Zitao elbows him.

“Seven months, twenty-eight days” Sehun rolls his eyes and Han and Yixing laugh.

“There you are, gege. Thanks sweetheart~” Jongdae pecks Zitao’s lips and the younger blushes.

“Stop being disgusting, you two!” Sehun says, throwing his jacket at Zitao. “To think I thought you were cute on your wedding day, with your matching white suits and that all~”

“It’s because we were cute!” the conversation is interrupted again.

“-you I won’t get us lost, Baek” the deep voice draws everyone’s attention.

“That’s because I asked for directions!” Chanyeol keeps still, probably wondering if he had already gone crazy “Chanyeol, listen to me when I'm talking, you dumbass!” Baekhyun hits Chanyeol on the arm and the taller points at the table. Baekhyun turns around.

“What are you doing here?!” he's smiling, even when his voice still sounds angry “Hyung! You didn't tell me the others were coming too!” Baekhyun whines.

“Dae!” Chanyeol goes straight to Jongdae to hug him. “How is the panda treating you?” Zitao gives him an unimpressed look, before mumbling 'nobody calls me panda anymore’.

“Great, great~ I know we talked last week, but it's nice to see you-”

“We could see each other more often if you haven't decided to move out to Prague-” Zitao rolls his eyes. _He would never let them forget that._ Jongdae gives Zitao a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder.

“We like it here, Yeollie~” this time, his husband nods and Jongdae smiles.

“Hyung, I swear to God- If I have to watch you being cheesy one more time, I'll leave” Sehun adds, but Baekhyun pushes him playfully.

“One would think you would have stopped being a brat when you reached your thirties, but I'm being proved wrong” Baekhyun laughs and Minseok shakes his head.

“Says the other brat” Yixing laughs at Minseok’s comment too.

“It's nice to be all together once again~” Chanyeol adds.

“But we're not all-” they look at Han, and Han starts to feel anxious. _Please, don't let it be like years ago when they asked about FanFan and Myeonnie, please. Please._

“Where are Soo and Nini, gege?” Yixing asks. Han laughs hysterically and Minseok elbows him, with a blank expression. _Don't embarrass me Lu Han._ Of course they would ask about Nini and Soo, because the ten of them are the ones who hang out usually.

“Were you expecting us?” as predicted, they arrive exactly at four o'clock. Kyungsoo has his distinctive expression with his eyes wide open, surprised. “We didn’t even know you were going to be here-”

“Oh~ There you are!” Chanyeol looks happier than before.

“Surprise?” Han mumbles quietly and Minseok growls. _Why am I with you again?_

“Welcome to the club!” Yixing says gleefully.

“Which club?” Jongin asks, taking off his jacket.

“Former-EXO club, I guess. Apparently is 'meet your life-time friends’ reunion today” Sehun says rolling his eyes.

“Oh” they take a sit. Jongin sits by Sehun, who is by Zitao. And Kyungsoo sits by Chanyeol, who is talking with Jongdae and Baekhyun about some new equalizer or something like that. Minseok inspects them calmly.

Minseok and Han stare at each other. They both share the same feeling, somewhat sad, because they (Minseok and Han) are now like a parental figure even when they’re more like older brothers. It hasn’t been easy. In seven years they had only been able to meet Junmyeon and Yifan around five times. Minseok understands them, but that doesn’t stop him for hating them sometimes. They just lost so much about the youngers...

 

Han contemplates the others talking happily. Anyone would say they haven’t aged at all (save for some hints of wrinkles and grey hairs here and there). Tao is talking with Minseok in a comfortable Korean (looks like someone has been practicing Korean with his husband) about the struggles they have had the last months, and to Han’s surprise, the elder is actually listening and giving him some advices.

His best friend, Sehun, is chatting with Jongin about a new model of motorbike they both want to buy, while Yixing, Jongdae and Baekhyun are sharing cooking recipes. 'You have to try European cuisine, it's really something else’ Jongdae says. Han smiles slightly, it seem like Chen and Tao are doing great here together.

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are talking too. Han can’t really pick much of the conversation up because it seems that Chanyeol has finally learnt to speak in a moderate voice. But he thinks they must be talking about some interior design, because they talk about paint, floor, windows and remodeling. Han inspects Baekhyun’s hands for a while, still as immaculate as years ago. _Chanyeol must be the one who does that kind of work in their house, then._

Minseok looks at Han from time to time, Han feels it. _When are they coming?_ Han shakes his head. _I don't know._ Minseok rolls his eyes, before he sips the last bits of his cocoa. _It must be soon or they're going to suspect even more something’s going on here._ Minseok switches to Mandarin when Zitao struggles with an idiom. _Yeah, that's his husband._ Han sighs, ready to take his phone to call them, when the door of the restaurant opens one more time.

Han stills. Minseok notices it and he stops talking at the middle of his sentence, to look at the door. Zitao turns his head too, slowly. Han gulps visibly, he can feel his heart racing. Zitao says something in Czech (probably) and Jongdae looks at Zitao immediately, before the younger points at the door. Jongdae looks at the door, Baekhyun and Yixing too.

“What are you two doing here?” Yixing sounds genuinely confused and the rest of them look at the two men. “Together?” Han feels like fainting, and Minseok stands up to take a place behind him. Just at the same time, Jongdae stands up to hug his husband, who looks about to burst into tears. Sehun is frowning and Jongin doesn't know what to do, except from stroking his arm reassuringly. _We are all here._

“H-hello guys, it's been a long time, hasn't it?” they all look confused. Both Yixing and Jongdae look like they don't know if they should smile or frown. Chanyeol has a smile lingering on his lips too. Kyungsoo looks at Han (a really pale, shaking Han) and nods.

“I get it” he mumbles. Han notices and mouths an _I'm sorry._ D.O shakes his head. “It's nice to see you, hyung” Kyungsoo is the first one moving to greet them, even when the others are completely still. _What is he doing?_ “When was the last time we talked, hyung?”

“I think it was right before Dae and Tao’s wedding?” Kyungsoo nods, with no expression in his face. Junmyeon removes uncomfortably under his gaze.

“Right, so almost a year-” Zitao is talking with Jongdae, but nobody can really understand what they're saying, so it's likely they're speaking in Czech. After a while of only hearing his ininteligible conversation, they walk holding hands to Junmyeon and Yifan. They have a serious expression, and Yifan gulps.

“Gege, it's really nice to see you after this long” Jongdae recites before both him and Zitao burst into nervous laughing, which Yifan and Junmyeon replicates. Zitao hugs them at the same time, mumbling a incoherent string of 'I’m so sorry, gege’ and 'I missed you, mom’. Junmyeon is now crying too, hugging Zitao tightly.

“My lovely baby, we're so sorry we missed your wedding. Me and your dad were sorting out things, but now everything is great-” they're in silence again.

“Hyung?” this time is Sehun who speaks. Behind them, Han and Minseok are rolling his eyes. _Very subtle, hyung._

“Is everything great?” Sehun frowns, but Chanyeol and Jongin are smiling brightly.

“So are you finally opening up to us?” Baekhyun says casually.

“...finally?” Yifan looks confused.

“Oh, come on,  _dad._ You didn't really expect us to believe you weren't together all this time~” sassy Kim-Huang Jongdae smirks.

“We knew you never stopped your relationship~” Baekhyun smirks too.

“We knew you were in contact” Kyungsoo agrees.

“And we saw you in Vancouver, hyung~” Chanyeol grins.

“When were you in Vancouver?!” Yifan now looks pale. He thought them being away from the others would meant they didn't have to hide _that much._

“I would say it was right after Nini told us about his dancing academy in New York?” Yixing says to Sehun and Sehun nods, looking amused. “Maybe before Minnie-gege decided to move to China with Han-gege”

“That was like three years ago, Xing” Junmyeon now looks confused. All of them nod, and _mom_ and _dad_ frown.

“Alright, enough tormenting for them, all of you. Your hyungs are here because they want to apologise for being assholes” Han says, tired of all the circus. Minseok elbows him again, looking unimpressed “Minnie, you know I'm right-”

“That doesn't mean you can call them like that”

“I do whatever I want with the brats, I'm older” Minseok rolls his eyes. “As I was saying... Your hyungs will apologise to you now. I would suggest that you begin with Sehun and Zitao-”

“Why them?” Yifan asks.

“Because you weren't on their important days?” Han nor the others clarify that Sehun and Yixing are just compromised.

“Are you married, Hunnie?!” Junmyeon blinks repeatedly, staring at both Sehun’s left ring finger. “Oh my God! Why didn't I know this?”

“You would if you actually talked to us-” Sehun says, visibly angry and about to cry.

“It was just after Dae and Taozi’s wedding, gege” Yixing adds, stroking his fiancé's back “It wasn't anything ostentatious, in fact there were just the other eight members. After proposing, we went for a breakfast in Seoul~”

“Hunnie looked gorgeous in his gray suit anyway~” Zitao observes.

“Guys, we're getting side tracked-” Han tries to get them back to their original conversation. Junmyeon looks about two minutes from fainting and Yifan sighs. “I _fucking told you_ this was a bad idea-” Jongdae and Baekhyun laugh, and Han looks at them angry, about to snap.

 _“Come on, gege~”_ there are some seconds before Jongdae realises he spoke in Mandarin and not in Korean, but he shrugs his shoulder. _Half of EXO understood, anyway._ “You can’t deny it's amusing. They look two seconds away from starting to cry, or yell, in Fan-ge’s case. If they bothered themselves enough to gather us in here, they for sure are sorry enough. I mean- I'm talking about me and Taozi here, we’re still mad they hadn’t come to our wedding, but we’re more than happy to gain our long lost friends once again” Zitao nods, to Han’s relief. Minseok is smiling. _It’s nice to see everything is going as smoothly as it can._

“Thanks Dae-” Jongdae cocks an eyebrow and Han gaps. _Of fucking course._

“I still expect you to apologise, hyung. You were being stupid, and I want to hear it from your mouths” Sehun, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are now grinning and nodding.

“Come on, we don’t have all day” Kyungsoo says, looking at them expectantly.

“I thought you were with us-” Yifan says, almost pouting.

“I never said anything of that sort, gege. I want to hear you saying you were _bad parents_ to us” Jongin smiles at his boyfriend brightly “And I expect you to pay for everyone’s dinner as compensation for it” Minseok laughs and Han hides his face behind his hands. “It’s only fair”

“To think you were my favorite child, Kyungsoo-yah...” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

“Am I still your favorite son, _dad?"_ Baekhyun adds and Chanyeol and Yixing look at this with interest.

“Not you brat, you took Myeon’s side when I left-”

“Oh, for the love of-” Han growls. There’s a waitress in front of the crowd that now is at their table. She looks impatient, ready to take their orders. Jongdae and Zitao are quick to recite some apologies in Czech and the girl smiles, blushing. Zitao gestures Han with his hand to ‘go ahead, gege. We don’t have all day’ “Can you please apologise to the kids so Minnie and I can stop pretending to be you? It’s awful. I want my parents back too”

“What a baby” Yifan says.

“Yifan, you brat!” Han stands up from the table. Minseok doesn’t do anything to stop him “Come and say it to my face!” Zitao giggles and the waitress looks at them with eyes wide open. Jongdae says something else that probably means ‘this happens all the time, you don’t need to worry’. When Han’s about to jump to choke Yifan, Junmyeon speaks.

“We’re sorry, ok? I guess there’s no point in explaining this to all of you. All struggled with the same problems at some point. There’s really no excuse we can make for neglecting you this long. All of us are adults now, and we’re not longer under SM rules, but they got stuck, both in FanFan and in me. I didn’t realise how much time it passed or how many things we lost because of this selfless stupid act”

“So, baby boys-” it sounds completely amusing in FanFan’s thirty-five year old’s voice, to speak like that to someone almost the same age as he is. Han can feel that hint of migraine starting to recede “Can you forgive _appa_ and _baba_ for being stupid?” Yifan gifts them with his best smile. The place is now filled with their laughters. Jana, the waitress, is laughing too, even when she doesn’t understand any single thing of what the men are saying.

“Finally!” Sehun’s voice sounds over the hustle “Can we _fucking_ eat now, please?”

 

Han looks at his friends. They’re not the boys they were when they debuted in EXO, all full of illusions and dreams. What left instead are men, with a long list of achievements and sacrifices behind them.

Han remembers at some point Zitao asked him what was the cost of following their own dreams, and Han didn’t know what to answer him back then. Now he knows. They sacrificed _everything._ Time, health, friendship, love, family...

Zitao asked that time if they all looked empty, even when they were trying to look happy. And of course, they looked empty. _One can't stay away from the love of their life without looking lost._

Zitao can’t help but stare at Han, laughing loudly when Yifan complains again about that time when Zitao asked to take a shower with him because of a ghost. He can’t stop giggling, but Han doesn’t mind. He gets what Zitao is trying to say with that girly laugh of him (the one Jongdae loves the most), squeezing Jongdae’s left hand over the table, his ring glinting in the dim light. _It worthed, gege._ Han nods.

Watching Sehun’s waist being hugged by Yixing’s arm, Kyungsoo’s back pressed against Nini’s chest, Junmyeon’s thigh against Yifan’s, Baekhyun stroking idly Chanyeol’s hair, Minseok’s head over his shoulder...

“What are you thinking, Lulu?” Minseok whispers, nobody is really paying attention to them.

“I never thought we could be like this again” Minseok hums “For years, I tormented myself because I wasn’t able to avoid EXO from shattering into pieces-”

“It wasn’t your fault, Lu. If anything, you were the one avoiding us from shattering even further” Han looks at Minseok’s eyes and smiles when he sees his boyfriend smiling.

“Now I know, thanks baby" Han pecks Minseok's forehead and Minseok hums again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Suí nǐ** \- Whatever (Chinese)
> 
> Well everyone~  
> I wanted to fullfill my desire for fluff and domesticity in this chapter, and I really hope it turned out well (luckily it makes actual sense).  
> Thank you so much for reading this until the very end, and I hope to see you in another story.  
> If you liked it, don't forget to let me know, you'll make me really happy!  
> Take well care of yourself, drink lots of water and enjoy life so much~
> 
> Read you soon ♥


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